God Abandons Mankind as Roger Goodell Signs a 5-Year Extension


We knew this day was coming, but that doesn’t make it any less of an outrage. As it is any time when good things happen to bad people.

It really is one of the great mysteries of human existence. Why, if there is an all-loving and all-powerful Creator, He lets things like this happen. Why evil men enjoy long, comfortable lives filled with riches and pleasures of the flesh while the righteous man suffers. So Hitler got to dance around at his palace in the Alps, petting his dog and drinking good wine while the world burned. Why Kim Jong Un has all the creature comforts man could want while his people live in the Dark Ages. Why Immortan Joe has a harem of brides while Mad Max dies of thirst.

And why Roger Goodell gets to sleep on a mountain of treasure like Smaug while he runs pro football into the ground, fucks up the most simple disciplinary matters that any grade school hall monitor could handle and destroys the reputation of the best player and best franchise in the history of his own league.

I wish I could explain it to you kids, I really do. I guess all I can say is that the Almighty puts men like this among us so that we can fight the good fight. So that we can remain righteous and forthright and serve His will by opposing evil men like this. So in the meantime, spend these five years buying anti-Goodell merchandise. And by costing his league revenue any way reasonable way you can so you cost him his incentive bonuses. And pray that somehow all that money doesn’t bring him happiness. “For what profits a man if he gains the whole world but loses his own soul?”

Fuck Goodell.