Cerealously- Scientists have apparently perfected time travel…but only a couple months into the future…and, uh, they apparently can only bring back cereal: not any lottery numbers, sports almanacs, or whatever cryptocurrency is most valuable at the time (CrunchCoin?). Okay maybe not, but breakfast wormholes are the only logical explanation for how the wonderful fellas at MyCountyMarket got ahold of not I, not II, and not III, but IV (allegedly: none are confirmed) upcoming cereals from General Mills—cereals so exciting and new that I’m cancelling the New Year’s Resolutions I haven’t even made yet.*
HOLYYYYYYY FUCKKKKKK. I DON’T KNOW HOW ELSE TO WRITE THIS OTHER THAN USING ALL CAPS LOCKS. IS THAT OBNOXIOUS? PROBABLY. DO YOU FEEL LIKE I AM YELLING THIS BLOG AT YOU? DEFINITELY. BUT WHO GIVES A SHIT? THIS IS A MOMENTOUS OCCASION. COMBINING LUCKY CHARMS AND FROSTED FLAKES IS LIKE WHEN THE ROCK AND STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN WERE BRIEFLY A TAG TEAM. TWO POTENTIAL GOATS COMING TOGETHER TO CREATE THE MOST UNSTOPPABLE FORCE THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN. REGULAR LUCKY CHARMS ARE GREAT, BUT WE KNOW THE OATS HAVE LONG BEEN THE WEAK LINK IN THAT RELATIONSHIP. ALL MARSHMALLOW LUCKY CHARMS IS A GOOD IDEA IN THEORY BUT FAR TOO OUTRAGEOUS TO BE A CERAL YOU CAN EAT. BUT FROSTED FLAKES AND LUCKY CHARMS MARSHMALLOWS IS LIKELY THE GREATEST CEREAL COMBO EVER CREATED AND THE CLOSEST MANY OF US WILL EVER GET TO HEAVEN (LIKELY DUE TO DIABETIC COMPLICATIONS).
HOWEVER, IF I CAN BE CRITICAL FOR A SECOND, WOULD IT HAVE KILLED GENERAL MILLS TO PUT TONY THE TIGER ON THE BOX? OR AT LEAST THROW SOME TIGER STRIPES ON LUCKY THE LEPRECHAUN’S SUIT AS A SUBTLE NOD TO A LEGEND? TONY IS A HALL OF FAME ADVERTISING MASCOT. PUT SOME FUCKING RESPECK ON HIS NAME, GENERAL MILLS. AND ALSO SEND A BOX OF THIS CERAL TO BARSTOOL HQ FOR SNACKIN’ OFF PURPOSES ASAP. PLEASE!
okay that was the end of CAPS. sorry about that, it won’t happen again (unless another all-time great food combo drops from the sky out of the blue). the other three cereals mentioned in that blog vary from meh to kinda interesting, with CTC Shreds easily taking home 2nd in the beauty contest.
And the reason I bolded the word GOATs is because I wanted to stress that I was talking about GOATs not goats and bold is how you accentuate something when an entire blog is in CAPS. They teach you that Day 1 of Blog School.