Been running around all day like an angry asshat for my full-time deal and realized I have tickets to the sporting event of the century tonight: Philadelphia Eagles vs. Carolina Panters Preseason Horseshittery At Lincoln Financial Field. Two iconic NFL franchises coming off respective 4-12 and 7-9 seasons battle it out on the gridiron to see which backups are going to be selling insurance in 2 months. Maybe even can get close enough to ask Cam Newton for my laptop back. Couldn’t be more apathetic, but hey, it’s football. Watching preseason football is equivalent to listening to the woman talk about her day. It’s boring and pointless, but you’re desperate for some action any way you can get it.
But there’s only so much alcohol that can distract me from the fact that I actually paid money to watch this 60 minute dry circle jerk, so some action is going to need to be placed. 2-0 last week with my picks during the Eagles/Pats game. Predicted the final score to be 34-24 Pats and guess what: 34-22. The non-Jewish Sam Rothstein strikes gold again. Expect the same results this evening.
11th generation thoroughbred Cam Newton isn’t going to be playing that much because Carolina actually has a “franchise” quarterback and somewhat of a “future”. Meanwhile Vick and Napolean Dynomite are going to be slinging sac for at least the first half. Plus Chip needs a win under his belt just cause. Expect the Birds to pull it out quite easily. Also, the Eagles defense still sucks and Carolina still has our former ginger Sean McDremitt at the helm of their D for some reason. Total points may eclipse the century mark.
THE PICKS: EAGLES -3, OVER 44
FINAL SCORE: Eagles 39 Panthers 28