(Source) Shaquille O’Neal is the subject of an open assault investigation by police in Atlanta after an incident his lawyer described as “horseplay” in which a co-worker was injured last year. No charges have been filed by local police over the event, which according to a police report is alleged to have occurred May 9 and first reported to police July 2. No charges have been filed against Shaquille O’Neal over an event that according to a police report is alleged to have occurred last May and first reported to authorities two months later.
According to Robert Williams, a co-worker of O’Neal’s at Turner Studios, for whom O’Neal is an NBA analyst, the 15-time All-Star “ran out of a room and hit me with a tackle punch to the back knocking me down and falling on top of me injuring my neck and back,” the police report says. Williams said Turner Security was made aware of the incident within a day. “The investigation was initially handled by the zone and as that investigation deepened, it was transferred (to) the complex case squad,” Atlanta police Sgt. Greg Lyon said, according to WSB TV in Atlanta. “At the conclusion of their investigation, we’ll have their findings and we’ll go forth from there, whether charges will be filed, whether it (will) be reviewed by the DA’s Office.” O’Neal’s attorney, Dennis Roach, said in statement sent to the local ABC affiliate that the incident “was nothing more than horseplay. No one intended for anyone to get injured.”
Williams’ attorney countered that statement with his own, denying the situation was the result of horseplay. “We understand that the physical attack by Shaquille O’Neal upon Mr. Robert Williams is under criminal investigation,” Williams’ attorney said in a statement to WSB. “Mr. Williams is presently recovering after surgery. “However, he does state, emphatically, that the permanent injuries he received were not the result of participation in any form of ‘horseplay.’ “
Such a fantastic story through and through. First of all, this guy who got hurt is such a fucking pussy. Horseplay dude, ever heard of it? Yeah Shaq is 10 million pounds but it’s horseplay, you can’t get hurt in horseplay, and if you do get hurt in horseplay you don’t go hire a lawyer and sue your horseplay friend. It’s almost as if this guy never had a childhood. Never fucked around with friends. Dick slapping, wrestling, body checks, horseplay. Only a true slug sues over horseplay.
Second, and more importantly. I can’t even imagine what it must be like working in an office setting with these retired pro athletes. Think about how awful and weird their etiquette must be. I mean we’re all normal guys, if you’re out of college you’ve been in a normal office setting before. You’ve spent time doing mundane tasks, smiling to people you don’t like and saying things you would never say in real life. It’s office bullshit, you have to play the game. But not Shaq. He has been in a locker room for his entire life and now is expected to be a normal functioning adult. To not steamroll people in the hallway and talk about fucking sluts and other locker room shit. It’s almost like a person learning a new language on the fly. Should Shaq have done this? No. Could Shaq physically help himself? Definitely not. You don’t get mad at a puppy for peeing on the floor, he doesn’t know better*. Same with Shaq. Just a 350 pound, 7 foot puppy.
Between Charles and Shaq there can’t be a worse office bathroom in America than the TNT studios.
*This will be my defense when Barstool someday crashes and burns and I have to go back to the real world and immediately get in trouble for trying to masturbate at my desk 4 times a day. Old habits die hard.