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My Favorite Month Has Changed From September To October

Folks September is out. October is in. Fuck September. Due to recent atmospheric developments — whether human-induced or not, which is a debate for another time — September is simply too fuckin’ hot. It’s too hot. Hot weather stinks. STINKS. Give me chilly and layered up over sweating my dick off a billion times out of a billion. Hot weather is for Instagram models and idiots like YP. October is for the classy folk. September used to bring warm days and chilly nights but now it just brings relentless warm shit. Gross. Sean Connery didn’t star in The Hunt For Red September. Yes, Big Cat famously pinned this ideal szn I’m describing as “personality season.” Spot on. It is quite obviously the best sports convergent on the calendar: playoff baseball, mid-season football, hockey and basketball kickoff, the US men’s soccer team qualifies for the World Cup (lol naht), and it’s the best time to play golf.

Yes, it’s Quarter Zip SZN in the golf world. You toss on those pants you’ve been eyeing all summer, grab an umbrella, maybe a vest, and waltz around all day in 55-65 degree weather. Maybe a little cloud cover. Suck it sun. Maybe a light drizzle. The courses have matured throughout the year, building character and achieving their true identity to be fully and wholesomely enjoyed in the mid-fall. The Ryder Cup often finishes up in early October, so you may designate an early Saturday and Sunday to consuming the game at its highest level, then commit the rest of the month testing your own skills against golf’s most natural condition. Catch an AM round, quick lunch and beer with the squad, and football’s on the rest of the day. You get to claim the “leaf rule” all month. It’s perfect.

Speaking of leaves, how good is the foliage? Can’t be expressed enough.

Chicks dress like sl– sexually independent and confident young women honoring their favorite figures all month.

October also happens to be for the tatas.

SOCKTOBER falls in, you guessed it, October.

September is out, October is in. Congratulations to October on being the greatest month on the calendar.

PS — I’m sure I’m missing a few other great reasons October is the GOAT; comment something nice below if you’d like to add to the discussion!