Are Peeing Men More Likely To Fish Their Penis Out Of Their Fly, Leaving Belt Buckled? Or Do They Undo Everything And Dump It Out? A Study

Last night, I was shooting some hoops with my pal Doug. We were talking about our dicks because, you know, we were awake. Doug tells me that the new pants he bought don’t fit that well because they’re too tight, and his boxers bunch up and make life uncomfortable. I said, hey pal, you gotta switch to brief. I rock the Lululemon briefs and life is great in slimmer pants. To this, Doug blanched. “You wear the Lululemon briefs? They don’t have a hole for your dick to pee.” I said hey friend-o, I don’t use the hole. I unbuckle my belt, undo my pants, and spill the snake over the top. You need to take that thing for a walk a few times a day or else it will develop gangrene (or hood cheese, for our uncircumcised readers).

Once again, my pal was dumbstruck. “You undo everything and pull your dick all the way out?! WHY?!” Well, that’s just the way I’ve always done it. But this led to a testy debate, as both of us felt the other was practicing antiquated pee protocol to which few men, if any, still adhered. Fortunately, my twitter following is a large enough sample size as to offer reliable feedback on the question. So we put it to a vote.

As you can see, it’s VERY close. For a long time, it was 51-49 in favor of the dumpers. The votes are still trickling in, but all signs point to a 4-point victory for those who unbuckle, untuckle, and tinkle. We had some interesting people weigh in:

Young Bob Fox, representing the younger generation, was appalled with the fishermen. He may be referencing “There’s Something About Mary,” where Ben Stiller famously caught his penis in his fly in a scene that scarred me more than when my dad had me watch “Saving Private Ryan” at 12 (the soldier stuffing his intestines back into his stomach on the beach). Regardless, the image of nubile, smooth-assed Bob Fox standing at a urinal with his pants at his ankles, like bait at a truck stop, had me chuckling.

This gentleman adjusts his liberation strategy on the fly, based on the fly. I personally can’t stand button fly pants. They seem so… proletarian. But then again, the risk of mid-shaft snags are far lower with a button fly. But for some reason, I think this guy pulls it through with a zipper fly, but dumps with a button? I could be wrong. Seems counterintuitive though.

A good point from PQ5, a man with a small penis. It’s very difficult to fish when you’re working with a minnow. I’m not here to shame anyone based on the size of their tackle, but sadly, some men are forced to dump whether they like it or not because their dong doesn’t protrude past the fly. To those men, we say Godspeed. It’s never too late for a growth spurt.

Probably the most practical answer. I haven’t tucked in a shirt since I stopped taking my life seriously a few years ago. I’ve literally declined wedding invitations over the hassle of having to dress up. I just don’t like marriage or friends enough to endure the back sweat that soaks through your dress shirt and drips down into your ass in a hot church/synogogue/mosque/field. But there are plenty of people who have to wear fancy clothes to work, and I can understand why they might resort to fishing for the sake of efficiency. Perhaps that’s what it all boils down to, in the end.

I’ll close by saying this: as someone who dumps it out, I feel bad for those who fish. It may be more work on the back end, but the more air and light you feed your penis, the healthier and happier it will be.