If Derek Jeter Trades Giancarlo Stanton To The Yankees We Boycott Baseball

Panicking about what team Giancarlo Stanton goes to is perhaps a tad premature but prematurity is my specialty. It’s my “move.”

He will not be playing in Miami next year, that much is clear. Stanton himself has said he’s sick of losing and won’t wait around for a rebuild, Jeter today said he’s going to make “unpopular” decisions, and Stanton’s contract has always been designed for him to be traded now as his salary jumps from 14.5 million annually to 25 million annually next season. That’s not a number the Marlins ever planned on paying.

But if Giancarlo end up in the Bronx? If the goddamn Yankees continue this whole “try and be likable” thing that they’ve been working on by signing one of the most exciting and likable guy in sports? Then we riot. We boycott baseball. That would be the most criminal act I’ve ever witnessed. I don’t know what the legal word to describe it would be, but you bet your ass there is one. I wouldn’t put it past the Steinbrenners to silently back Jeter’s purchase of the Marlins solely for this move right here because that’s just the kind of criminal enterprise they run in the Bronx. Jeter trading Stanton to the Yankees would immediately make the Black Sox the second most disgusting act in the history of baseball.

Now if he goes to Boston? Well then it’s perfectly acceptable because obviously it would pain Jeter to do so.