Donald Trump Will Defeat Robert Mueller Unless Mueller Finds and Releases The Pee Tapes To The Public

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In the era of Trump, news stories are having a harder and harder breaking through the media cycle and staying in the spotlight for any considerable amount of time. Something like a potential war with North Korea, which would in past years dominate the CNN ticker for at least a couple days, is now given roughly the same amount of coverage as an 8th Lindsay Lohan DUI. One story that has had a particularly hard time maintaining the headlines it once grabbed has been Robert Mueller’s special investigation into any collusion between the Trump campaign and the Russian government.

The circumstances surrounding the alleged collusion are murky and complicated, inspiring thousands of office comedians to observe “why watch House of Cards when real life is so crazy?!” Eventually, the entire ordeal will be depicted in two competing motion pictures, one directed by Steven Spielberg with John Goodman portraying the embattled President, and another produced by Trump TV with Ryan Reynolds playing Donald where Mueller and Hillary Clinton end up sharing a jail cell and Donald finally gets the girl and lives happily ever after with Ivanka.

Until then, no one knows how Mueller’s investigation will unfold. The entire process is as political as it is legal, and even if evidence emerges that Stephen Miller traded state secrets for Soviet-grade Rogaine that’s not available in the U.S., there will still need to be the political will to go forward with any further legal action. Unfortunately for Mueller, Trump has been masterful in keeping headlines on himself and away from the investigation. Whether it’s his Arizona Improv Hour on primetime television or finally pivoting towards acting presidential by refraining from mentioning his feud with Kristen Stewart during Hurricane Harvey relief efforts, Trump has continually kept the media distracted from covering Mueller’s investigation.

If Mueller has any hopes in taking down the Trump administration, he must learn to play the media even better than Trump himself. Luckily for Mueller, he has a golden bullet in the chamber that could turn the entire media narrative on its head. Releasing the pee tapes would create a news frenzy so large that Trump would be powerless to create a story big enough to remove the pee tapes from the headlines. No matter how many of his second-tier advisers emerge with ties to third rate Nazi organizations, the surreal image of Trump, Russian prostitutes, and streams of hot yellow urine will be seared in the national consciousness and no story will be able to take its place.

It is unclear what has kept Mueller from releasing the pee tape already. Whether it’s his Irish-Catholic prudishness or something else, Mueller must change course and release the pee tapes to the public if he wants to win the media war against Trump. Although his long background as a nonpartisan government official may have led him to shy away from the media spotlight, Mueller must realize he’s a star now, and when you’re a star, they’ll let you do anything, and you just need to grab them by the headlines.