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The Ol' Meth Shaped As Dicks And Jesus Trick Didn't Work This Time

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NY Post - A crew of drug smugglers was busted Wednesday for attempting to use penis-shaped candles to bring crystal meth into the city, sources said.

The group of five suspects was arrested after being caught storing 1,300 pounds of candles stuffed with the drugs in a Paterson, NJ warehouse, according to sources.

While some candles were phallic-shaped, others had religious themes.

The drug bust arose from a joint operation by the Drug Enforcement Agency, Homeland Security, and the NYPD.

“DEA has seen drugs smuggled in numerous ways: concealed in puppies, lollipops, furniture, and produce,” said DEA Special Agent-in- Charge James J. Hunt.

“But secreting a million dollars’ worth of methamphetamine in wax candles of various shapes is shocking.”

After witnessing the candles in various shapes, authorities executed the arrest.

The 1,300 pounds of wax candles were meant to melted down, which would result in a total 60 kilos of crystal meth, sources said.

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Hate when that happens. You think you have the ultimate plan. You’re not going to shove the drugs up your asshole. You’re not going to open a taco stand and make it a front for your meth trade, a la Gus Fring’s Los Pollos Hermanos. You just simply go for the two things nobody likes to question- dongs and Jesus.

In theory it’s a genius move. Dudes stay AS FAR AWAY from phallic shaped objects as possible. Whenever I see a picture on Facebook from some girl’s bachelorette party and they are all drinking out of dong-shaped straws and playing pin the dick on the donkey, I scroll through that shit as fastttt as possible. So suffice to say if some DEA agent got wind of this, he’d see the cocks and be like “yep, all good, keep it moving”.

And same goes for good ol’ Baby Jesus. You don’t want to be the person who disrupts a shipment of Baby Jesus candles to the church because you had a hunch there could be crystal meth in there. Sister Margaret at the monastery would be none too pleased, to say the least.

So I guess the authorities are wising up. You can no longer move drugs via God or dongs. Cross those off the list. You’re going to have to be more creative if you want to move $396,000 of meth (on the cost average of $3,000 per pound, standard mid grade meth prices in your local metropolitan area).