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Delta's Lenient Use Of The Word "Classic" Is Egregious

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Through the madness that was Mayweather vs McGregor Fight Week, one thing really stuck with me over everything else. Delta Airlines has no fucking clue what the word “classic” means. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, my first hit piece…

I got on my flight last Tuesday and immediately went to check out the movie selection I was working with. I’m a massive fan of in-flight movies because as much as flying sucks, it really allows you to focus in on a flick and watch it the way it’s meant to be watched…with zero interruptions (barring the 12083298 in flight announcements from the pilot who thinks he’s at an open mic night). The first category listed was “Classics 2000s” and I thought “I’m a millennial, maybe this is the category for me!”

Young Robbie wasn’t aware of it yet, but this was NOT the category for him…

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27 Dresses hit me in the face so hard I was on shaky legs. I was unresponsive to the flight attendant asking me if I’d like a Ginger Ale, and felt like a flash bang had just gone off between my ears. It MUST be a glitch. There’s no way any self respecting human would consider 27 Dresses a “classic” even if this is a list full of recent classics.

(500) Days of Summer…phew. One of my favorite movies of all time, and very clearly a classic from the 2000s. One of those movies I call a “film” to give it the proper respect, and the perfect breakup movie for a dude. Anchorman on top of that, perfect. One of the funniest, most quotable movies in my lifetime. That 27 Dresses glitch sure was weird.

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FKVBHFJCNRSFSVHJZKFDBVIFDXZNSCIFDBSSGRBFNVBNE. Sorry, that’s the sound of me throwing up on my keyboard. I make that sound. BRIDE WARS?! This flick has a fucking 10% on Rotten Tomatoes. We’re not on the One Bite scale here, we’re talking 10 out of 100. Have I seen it? Yeah, of course. I have an older sister. I’ve seen just about every chick flick in existence. This one is a piece of shit.

I’ve never seen The Conjuring, but I’ve actually heard pretty good things, so that gets a pass, and Crazy Stupid Love is a movie I get shawshanked by every time it’s on television…which is really often. I feel like every channel ever has the rights to this movie, BUT, I’m not complaining. I’ll watch literally anything with Emma Stone in it. Her eyes got me through two horrendous Spider-Man movies and that’s the hardest test they’ll ever face. When they’re paired with an actual good movie, it’s an Easy A from me.

(Wink wink sup Emma I love your eyes)

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The Devil Wears Prada? Oh yeah. Anne Hathaway in her prime, MMA-hating Meryl Streep killing it in the bitch role (playing herself), this movie’s got it all. A very enjoyable “chick flick” and dare I say, a 2000s Classic.

Divergent and The Family Stone though? Come on. Divergent is a cheap Hunger Games rip-off and anyone who claims to like it is just going through young adult book-to-movie withdrawals. The Family Stone was just so forgettable that if I were Delta, I would actually turn down the rights to have it on my aircrafts. Tickets aren’t cheap, and I don’t want my passengers thinking the plane was either. I saw this and immediately figured we’d nosedive somewhere in the midwest.

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This is tricky territory for me. I’ve only seen on Fast and Furious movie and it was Tokyo Drift, which I enjoyed as a stupid schlockfest, but is apparently the unanimous worst of the bunch. So I threw it to our resident Fast expert Feits:

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I’ll take his word for it and let this trio slide.

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Ooooooooo, so close. Gone Girl, yes. The Hangover, obviously. The Great Gatsby, however, couldn’t be any further from a “classic”.

I went on a high school field trip to see The Great Gatsby and had to ask my teacher how to spell “mediocre” so I could tweet, “More like The MEDIOCRE Gatsby” as the credits rolled. That should tell you all you need to know.

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Hidalgo?! Crying face emojis, yo. That’s a name I haven’t heard in many years. 100% fuck no. Get outta here.

Horrible Bosses rides that fine line, because while it’s a movie I find hysterical, I’m definitely gun shy to pull the C-trigger on it. The In-Laws is an easy no, as it was a remake of some cult classic from the 70s, flopped at the box office, and was critically panned across the board. It’s not even worth my time for an insult.

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NOT EVERY MOVIE WITH MERYL STREEP IN IT IS A CLASSIC. Go back and read that previous statement with clap emojis between every word. She’s 3 for 20 on Academy Awards, and with a .150 batting average, you ain’t making my team.

As for Leap Year, I’ll let you read the bio for it and decide for yourself whether or not this is a classic…

When yet another anniversary passes without a marriage proposal from her boyfriend, Anna (Amy Adams) decides to take action. Aware of a Celtic tradition that allows women to pop the question on Feb. 29, she plans to follow her lover to Dublin and ask him to marry her. Fate has other plans, however, and Anna winds up on the other side of the Emerald Isle with handsome, but surly, Declan — an Irishman who may just lead Anna down the road to true love.

I’ve never seen Love Actually so I reluctantly have to let it slide.

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No comment on Marley and Me because if I talk about that stupid movie for more than one sentence I’ll cry, and Office Space is the epitome of a 2000s Classic, so I won’t even give you a shred of doubt there.

P.S. I Love You is interesting because while I’d never hit it with the C word in a billion years, it’s so beloved by girls across the nation that I think it’s sneaking it’s way onto this list unscathed.

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The Polar Express was a movie I spoke about extensively on the Rundown earlier this month.

Ultimately I feel it was overhyped due to it’s game-changing CGI and failed to deliver on being the next big holiday flick. Official ruling? NOT a classic.

School of Rock is a movie near and dear to my heart, I’d call it a classic in a heartbeat, and I’d even go as far as calling it one of the most underrated comedies on the 2000s in general. Seabiscuit is another I haven’t seen, but from what I understand, it belongs here.

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I don’t care if Secretariat was good or not, we can’t have two classic horse movies in a category with 42 movies. 4.7% of the classic movies from the 2000s were not about horses. Sorry not sorry, Seabiscuit had first dibs.

Sex and the City definitely put in their time and earned their spot on the list, because I remember how big a deal it was went that first came out. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull was out at the same time and I felt like a schmuck for seeing that shitty alien movie while all of the middle aged women in the lobby were gushing over Big and Carrie and how satisfied they were.

Second Sex and the City can go fuck itself, though. Like I said before, too many movies about horses on the list.

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Shrek is a first round draft pick. If you disagree I’ll get Smash Mouth to roast your ass on Twitter. Shutter Island, while great, isn’t a classic, and Signs juuust narrowly makes the list on name value alone.

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Silver Linings Playbook is SO recent that it feels weird saying this, but yeah, instant classic. I’ve got a history of bipolar disorder in my family and this was a legitimately perfect representation of the disease, plus, this gif:

Ha! Classic.

I’ve seen Something Borrowed a dozen or so times because it’s one of my sister’s favorites, and I gotta tell you, it’s just as fucking atrocious as you’d imagine! It couldn’t even get a sequel made it was such a flop. You know how hard that is to do nowadays? The Nut Job had a sequel come out this Summer.

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Did you know there was a Nut Job 1? Me either.

Spy is one of the greatest pieces of cinema ever created and deserved all of the Academy Awards ever given out in the history of the event. Truly masterful film by Chernin Entertainment.

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I love me some JJ Abrams, but you’re gonna put BOTH of his Star Trek movies on this list and leave off The Force Awakens, which WAS available on this plane, right in front of me? Right in front of my fucking face you’re gonna do that? Literally two inches away from my face because the old lady in front of me reclined her seat back all the way?! Let me tell you this, Delta…you’re really fucking lucky that it’s frowned upon to yell on an airplane. I almost yelled.

Unbreakable’s pretty good and way ahead of it’s time, so I’m gonna consider this a dark horse on the list. I don’t think anyone would slap the C label on it, but if by doing that it gets people to see it, so be it.

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…seriously, what’s up with the fucking horses? The Women is a near unwatchable movie rocking a 13% on Rotten Tomatoes, and it’s title has stricken the fear of god in me. Say one wrong thing about The Women and this hit piece will have it’s own hit piece. Zoolander wraps up the list, and is so good you almost forget how bad the rest of the flicks Delta considers “classics” are.

Delta put 22 undeserving movies in a category labeled “classics” (most of which were vomit inducing pieces of shit I wouldn’t call decent if my life depended on it), and it made me really mad off line. I vented my frustrations to you guys here, on the line, and I hope you feel the same way.

I wound up watching The Beatles: Eight Days a Week (Ron Howard’s documentary about the band’s touring years) which was fanfuckingtastic, and La La Land, which I’ve seen 5 or 6 times and love more and more with every viewing.