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Mitch Albom Unleashed The Most "Old Man Yells At Cloud" Column Of All Time About College Kids And It Is Perfection

AOL BUILD Presents: Mitch Albom

Adela Loconte / Contributor

Dropping kids off at college – then vs. now [Detroit Free Press]

I was on a college campus last week, and saw vehicles unloading new students. It made me nostalgic.

Then I realized if parents were recalling that milestone from, say, 50 years ago, and parents were recalling it from today, we’d be hearing two different stories … .

OLD: “We drove our son to college today. What a proud moment. He was a little embarrassed by Mom and Dad coming up to his room, but we promised not to make any ‘square’ jokes. We unpacked his trunk and Mom helped organize his drawers. We met his roommate, who seemed nice. His name is Scott.”

NEW: “We drove our young prince to college today. What a proud moment. He was embarrassed by having his mom and step-dad and dad and former step-mom and dad’s current girlfriend all coming up to his room, so we had to watch from a distance. We saw him hook up his cable TV and his Xbox, then assemble his IKEA furniture. We also met his roommate, who seemed nice. Her name is X. And we are not supposed to use the word ‘her.’ ”

OLD: “After helping our son hang two posters on his wall — Albert Einstein and a band called The Who — we went for a walk around campus. We saw the observatory, the mailroom and the student union. The cafeteria had a soft ice cream machine, which made our boy very happy! Dad took him aside and said, ‘Son, we know the drinking age is 18, but please, go easy on the beer. You don’t want to pass out on a fraternity’s lawn.’ ”

NEW: “After helping our son hang his flat screen and surround-sound speakers, we went for a walk around campus. We saw the 24-hour state-of-the-art exercise facility and the 24-hour Apple computer labs. He showed us the ‘safe spaces’ where no offensive words can be used, and the ‘healing spaces’ where you can go if you were accidentally exposed to an offensive sentence. There were seven cafeterias to pick from, so we chose the non-GMO, gluten-free, nut-free, dairy-free, vegan facility, which made our young person very happy. His nonbiological father took him aside and said, ‘Listen, friend, we know the drinking age is 21, but since you’re 18, please go easy on the beer. You don’t want to pass out in a hot tub and have it uploaded to YouTube.’ ”

NEW: “We wanted to have ‘the talk’ with our child, after he told us the hookup rate at his school was one of the highest in the nation. We toured the nearby Planned Parenthood office and the sexually transmitted disease clinic. His step-dad gave him a box of condoms, as did his mother. We were happy that his biological father reminded him that tuition, with room and board, was $70,000 a year. So it would be good if he studied once in a while.

Full column on Freep 

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Oh my God this is perfection.  This is beautiful.  This is Clint Eastwood in Gran Torino on steroids.  This is Get Off My Lawn x Old Man Yelling At The Clouds chugging 50 energy drinks.  I’ve never read something then scrolled right back up to the top to hate-read it all over again faster.  It is Mitch Albom’s masterpiece.

And Albom isn’t even like…factually wrong about a lot of this.  The safe spaces and the non-GMO ethnically correct cafeterias have been well documented on here (remember Oberlin literally protested the school dining hall because the sushi was so bad it was offensive to Asians?).  Not teaching certain books and authors because they are triggering.  The majority of this has actually been happening.

There’s just something about it that comes off as soooo fucking lame.  Merriam and Webster invented the word “hackneyed” for this exact column.  It’s so bad that it makes me want to do a 180 and join every campus sit-in within a 100 mile radius to protest something, anything.  I want to march on a school because the banh mi Vietnamese sandwiches are served on ciabatta instead of traditional French baguettes.  I want to barricade myself in a school president’s office and demand all grades below a C be replaced with A’s because Trump was elected.   I want to grab a picket sign and rally for Melissa Click’s reinstatement at Mizzou.  That’s what Mitch Albom did to me with this.

Seriously what’s his obsession with biological parents? Why’d he make a “sexually transmitted disease clinic” sound like a negative thing? Back in my day we dealt with our crabs like men.  We let them fester and passed them on to all the fine young ladies of the University.  Snowflakes these days and their “medicine.”  The transgender pronoun and Planned Parenthood sections were certainly problematic.  I’m all for being not-PC when the situation calls for it but that doesn’t mean you have to be just a total asshole.  And fuck “learning a foreign language” so you can travel the world and actually communicate and understand things.

Also-

OLD: “We drove away and Mom started crying. We looked back and — to our surprise — our son was at the window, waving. He looked sad.”

Mitch Albom is 59.  That means he went to school roughly 41 years ago.  There is no fucking way in hell kids 41 years ago were sad to be dropped off at college.

Animal House was released 39 years ago FYI.

Unless there was a tectonic shift in teenage emotion in a 2 year span…18 year olds in 1976 were just as pumped to watch their parents leave and immediately chug 6 beers as they are in 2017.