Florida Man Buried One Thousand Dollars And Ninety Dollars Up His Ass: Whoa! Big Butt!

MARION COUNTY, Fla. – Deputies in Marion County said that a Florida man stuffed more than $1,000 up his buttocks into his rectum in an attempt to hide it from deputies after he was arrested on Saturday.

Early morning on Saturday, Pattreon Stokes, 26, was pulled over on the highway for speeding. In the front passenger seat of the car was a 7-month-old child.

The deputy who pulled Stokes over said that he could smell marijuana coming from inside the vehicle. After searching the vehicle, deputies found 197 grams of methamphetamine, rock cocaine and 4 grams of heroin. A scale was also found in the car.

“Detention deputies then noticed something quite unusual…” Marion County Sheriff’s Office posted on their Facebook page. Deputies observed $20 bills falling from Stokes’ buttocks area.

After a “necessary but undesirable process for everyone involved,” MCSO detention deputies located $1,090 in U.S. currency hidden in Stokes’ rectum.

I don’t think I could fit any more than 200 bucks in my ass. I mean, I’ve never tried but I didn’t want this blog to come off as sour grapes.

“Hey Chaps, you’re just being jealous that you couldn’t fit a stack in your ass. Stop being a hater.”

So, in order to stop that from becoming the narrative, allow me to be the first to say Congratulations to Pattreon.

Over a grand is a ton of money to fit in your ass. That must have been quite the scene at booking. One minute your day is going pretty much as expected and the next minute your a fucking magician and pulling scarves of cash from a suspect’s asshole. Necessary but undesirable!

Note to parents: bookmark this blog. There will be a day when your kid sticks a little money in their mouth. Usually, kids think that what we tell them is nothing more than old wives tales. They don’t think people are putting money in gross places. Now you will have the stone cold facts that every dollar in America was at one time or another shoved in a prisoner’s asshole. These are the facts, and they are undisputed.

Additionally, folks, this brings a new meaning to ATM. Talkin Ass Teller Machine. Sorry. Sorry. I’m trying to delete.