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The Guy Who Got Stabbed For His "Nazi Haircut"....Well, He Actually Stabbed Himself And Lied About The Whole Thing

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We all remember Joshua Witt, right class? Nice guy, lives in Colorado, lovesssss milkshakes. He was just minding his own beeswax a couple weeks ago, when a no good hooligan popped out of the bushes and stabbed him for looking like a Nazi. Hate when that happens. We all do. Now, of course you should 100% get stabbed for looking like this

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but that’s because you just look like the biggest douchebag on Earth, the kind of guy that starts fights at a crowded bar because someone is trying to squeeze by with a drink. But at a Steak N Shake while trying to get a shake and a medium fries for looking like a Neo-Nazi? Can’t have that. So the good news is, it never happened!

NYP - A man who claimed he was mistaken for a neo-Nazi and stabbed because of his buzz cut admits he made it all up — and says the stabbing was just an accident, according to a report.

Joshua Witt, 26, told cops recently that he was getting out of his car in the parking lot of a Steak ‘n Shake in Sheridan, Colorado, when he was attacked by a knife-wielding man.

But when presented with evidence that his story was sheer nonsense, Witt came clean, BuzzFeed reported.

Police questioned his story because surveillance video did not show anyone running from the scene, as Witt had claimed, and because they interviewed someone who matched Witt’s description of the attacker.

Investigators also examined video from a nearby sporting goods store, which showed Witt buying a small knife minutes before the alleged attack.

“Mr. Witt subsequently admitted to accidentally cutting himself with the knife while parked in his car in front of the sporting goods store and admitted making up the story about being attacked,” Sheridan police said in a statement.

Good grief, Charlie Brown. This dude stabbed himself, and instead of just laughing it off, getting his milkshake, and then going to the ER to get stitched up, he decided to claim someone stabbed him for looking like a Nazi. WHAT?????

How…why….why did he decide “you know what? I want attention. I’m going to stab myself for looking like a Nazi and pretend it was someone else”. First of all, comparing yourself to a Nazi is troubling. Second of all, why waste your time with the police and all that paperwork and what have you? You already know they aren’t going to find the perpetrator! Nevermind the complete waste of the police’s time, he’s wasting his own time that can be better spent doing quite literally anything else. And shout out to Joshua Witt for forgetting video surveillance exists. Ah yes, the brand new technology of video cameras, how soon we forget.

So great job by Joshua. Instead of just getting his milkshake, he had to become national news, and now will never be able to get a job again. But at least from stabbing himself he got rid of that dumbass haircut, so hey, he has that going for him.