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If You're Still Complaining About Timelines And Other Nonsense On Game of Thrones You Need To Shut The Fuck Up

Been a big day for praising of last night’s Game of Thrones, deserved praise because it was probably the show’s greatest episode ever, but also a big day for dork bitching. This season has been heavy with the “They wouldn’t be able get to that location that quickly! This show is ridiculous!” complaints, as they’ve escalated the timeline and things are moving much quicker now.

But typically you only see those complaints from random people on Twitter, or “nobodies” as they’re more commonly known. Nerds screaming into the abyss about how Jon couldn’t sail to Dragonstone that fast or arguing about the speed of the average raven. Well today Alan Sepinwall got into the mix and had an awful lot on complaints about “North of the Wall.” Among them:

– Not enough of the Suicide Squad died and not a single important character did.

– Gendry got back to Eastwatch too quickly.

– The raven got to Dragonstone too quickly.

– Dany got north of the wall too quickly.

– Jon shouldn’t have survived being dragged into the water with the wights.

– Jon shouldn’t have survived the horse ride home while soaking wet.

Now I love Sepinwall, he’s the best in the business, but guess what? Everyone who’s perturbed by these scenes can go right to hell. Basically what all of these complaints breakdown to is the fact that you’re mad the star of the show, the prince who was promised, didn’t die. You’re upset that the guy who was brought back to life BY A GOD has a lucky horseshoe shoved up his ass and gets some preferential treatment from the man upstairs. I’m sure you’re also the same people who used to claim that Thrones killed too many great characters but today you’re upset that one is still living.

Let me be clear: I don’t give a motherfuck about what should happen in reality when I’m watching Game of Thrones, a fantasy series. I don’t care that we didn’t know Gendry has 4.4 speed or that the raven flew faster than most ravens or that it turns out dragons can really haul ass. I don’t care that the superhero protagonist survives situations when most men would die from being too cold. All I care about was that was an AWESOME hour and a half of television and if you’re willing to let some needless bitching about timelines and hypothermia ruin that for you then you’re coo coo for cocoa puffs.