End Of An Era: The Chuck E. Cheese Band Is Breaking Up


CBS – The kid-focused pizza chain is updating a handful of restaurants with open kitchens and toned-down colors, as well as one striking omission: the animatronic animals who play music and entertain families. 

The revamp comes as the restaurant chain is looking to reengage families and kids with a “modern experience,” said CEC Chief Executive Tom Leverton. The redesigned locations also feature a dance floor where a live Chuck E. comes out to shake a leg with children. The animatronic bands were shown the door with the new design. 

Every time you turn around, there’s another headline about how Millennials are ruining this or how Millennials are ruining that. There are old heads whose only job is to figure out random shit that was going to die on its own like Applebee’s and then shit-ily write about how Millennials are killing it. I never really understood it until right this very moment when I found out that whatever generation these toddlers are considered right now are killing Chuck E. Cheese and my body is filled with nothing but pure rage.

Listen up, you little shit bags. I know most of you don’t even know how to read yet so do me a favor and call your bitch ass mommy or daddy in here to read this to you. You go to Chuck E. Cheese for three things and three things only. 1) For the pizza. That’s obvious. If it wasn’t so weird for a 25-year-old guy to go into Chuck E. Cheese alone without a child, I’d go to Chuck E. Cheese every weekend just for the pizza. 2) To get extremely disappointed by the end of the day after you walk in, see the giant prize that you want to win, work all day on the games to win enough tickets for it and then only end up with enough tickets for an eraser. And 3) For the animatronic band creeping the shit out of you while also putting on the greatest performance known to man.

You take one of those things away and now all you have is a place that smells like feet. So yeah. Real great business decision, Chuck E. Cheese. This new rebranding strategy is really gonna knock it out of the park. Can’t wait to write the blog about you bastards shutting down for good in a few months.

P.S. – Best way for Chuck E. Cheese to rebrand would be to forget about kids all together. Kind of mentioned this up top but it’s bullshit that I can’t just stop in there for a slice of pizza without getting a bunch of looks like I’m some pedo creep or something. So what they need to do is just turn Chuck E. Cheese into a bar. Give us pizza, give us booze, give us the animatronic band, and give us zero kids running amok trying to ruin your day/life. Keep gearing yourselves towards little bastards who can’t even wipe their own ass and you’ll be going belly up before the end of the year. Gear yourselves toward your loyal fanbase for the past 3 decades and you’ll be set until all of us die.