MMBM: Cam Newton Could Learn A Lot From The Moon And Danny Woodhead About Work Ethic, Leverage, And Humility

Note: TL;DR.

Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.

Its impossible to get football coaches to agree on anything these days but it sure seems like theres a unanimous consensus about todays solar eclipse being a unwanted distraction. It takes alot to impress a coach, there probably more likely to be syzygy guys who dont have time nor the inclination to call something that happens as often as a Notre Dame bowl game a miracle. In the NFL you should be used to only having a little bit of daylight- at this level of comptition thats as open as your going to get.

Obvously football coaches hate the solar eclipse because it kind of proves that the world revolves around the sun as opposed to there football team, but the event can be a valuable teaching tool for many youngsters and Cam Newton around the country. For example the sun getting pancaked blocked by the moon is a exellent example of how just low man wins. Instead of making a business decision, the moon gets underneath the suns pads and finishes the play. This is the type stuff that get’s guys hooting and hollering in the film room. Because If you look at the tale of the tape it should be a no brainer. By all accounts the sun is the biggest planet perhap’s in the history of the solar system, whereas the moon is approximately the size of a average Hollywood soundstage. Yet every year, the moon sacks up and uses its leverage to box out light for a afternoon. Sure, traveling west to east is never easy- but the MAN in the moon knows he has a job to do.

Folks, where i come from a rolling blackout from the state of Washington to the city of Atlanta is known as the Sarkisian career arc. Hell, except with a eclipse the coronas sometimes last for longer then 5 minutes!

But seriously most football coaches can walk and chew gum and scream at the same time, so they know its important to take all necesary precautions like applying a extra layer of eyeblack before staring directley into the sun, or cutting a hole in the brim of your visor so the shadow of the eclipse gets burned into your playsheet.

Someone lock Jared Goff in a room during the eclipse because i think his brain could get broken just trying to wrap his head around having two sunrises and sun sets in the same day. The great spinzone for Christian Hackenberg is that his concusson should heal 73% faster on account of the lower amount’s of sunlight attacking his eyes. The bad news for the Jets is that Christian Hackenberg is giong to heal faster.

But the message should be loud in clear. Just because your a star dosen’t mean you can’t get outshone by your opponent if you underestimate them. While Beckham spent his playoffs catching some rays intsead of catching balls, the craters on the cheese heads blocked out ODB and the prodigal sun Eli. And the only glare Beckham felt was from his disappointed Daily Fantasy owners that he owed a better performence to.

So while the sun dosen’t necessarily pass the eyeball test, the moon is the real force of nature you need to keep a eye on. It is no coincidence that at 12:54 PM local time in North Platte Nebraska, home to none other then Danny Woodhead, they will experence a 100% total eclipse of the sun. Coincidence? Absoluteley not. Danny is the Moon of runing backs- he’s little, white, and very dangerous in space.


On to the awards:

Road Grader of the Week: Alex Jones 

Its no secret I am basically living my life as a series of events in between Alex Jones social media updates now. Over the weekend Alex was in Seattle presumbly providing Pete Carrol with a briefing of his investgation into George Soros piping in fake protestors at last year’s divisional playoff game in Atlanta, and this was a business trip in every sense of the word.

Lets take a quick look at Alex Jones from a scouting perpective: Alex Jones body type can best be described as if General Douglass MacArthur had asked God to build him a fullback. I want to come out full-throated as being anti-eugenics in 99% of all cases but if the NFL could establish some kind of captive breeding program bewteen Alex and Rachel Ray, we could create a new ultra-thicc speces of human and breed the H-back back from the brink of extinction, after nearly being wiped out by milleneals. Upside: Raspiest voice known to man. Downside: Defnitely coudnt eat there moms chili.

10 Things I Know I Know

1. Penn State Football would like to remind you, for the first time in the schools history, of the danger’s of turning a blind eye to something

2. A new survey suggest’s found that 24 % of Baltimore Ravens fans said they would rather give up sex for a entire year than date a Pittsburgh Steeler fan, finaly giving quantitative evidence that there is literaly no love lost between these two fanbases. If we’re being honest though giving up sex and dating a yinzer arent necsarily mutually exclusive goals especially when you realize that Ravens fans wear those cool purple and black camo pants so its possble that they would have a hard time finding there zipper much less there own dick.


Never thought it would come to this point but it look’s like Darwins finches theory of evolution has been proven by Ravens to be completely bogus to say the least. Football is family so technicaly according to “Darwin”, these fans should be more attracted to members of other fanbases to promote genetic diversity given that two cities about 4 hours away from each other typicaly have unique strains of syphilis that are resistant to two very different medications. People in Baltimore tend to relish eating crabs whereas Pittsburghians typicaly grow mustaches to prevent them from contracting them in the first place.

When you think about it, Pittsburgh is essentally a trading post for people from B-more who struck out west for Cincinatti but forgot to pack lunch and you dont lay down roots in a community like that no matter how similar the taste of iron city is to natty boh.

Ive been waiting for someone to rewrite Shakespeare to adapt it to a modern story that Americans can get behind and I think the scene is set for a modern day romeo and juliette featuring star cross lover fan’s of the Ravens and Steelers, ending in a suicide pact because all there QBs get injured and there forced to consider signing Colin Kapernick.

3. Juli Inkster- confirmed football guy trapped in a golf womens body:

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And what do you know it we won again, and Juli celbrated out loud:

4. The state of Virginia is asking for help renaming Robert E Lee highway so can I suggest Riggins road its only for diesels that run north south. Also drunk driving is aloud on it because its impossble to tell if your slurring your speech because your drunk or just saying the name of the local football team.

5. I have a actual serious proposal for the whole statue thing that has everyone acting all goofy about slavery. I will expand on this during Wendsday’s Pardon My Take, but there’s a theory we discuss about the arrow paradox where techncially that dragon from that nerd show never got hit in the neck last night because a arrow has to cover half the distance to its intended target, then half that distance, etc. so in other words violence isnt real. Well, in this case why dont we just say we’re going to shrink every confederate statue by 50% each year, which would do double-duty of ensuring that they woud technicaly be there forever, but at the same time make them very hard to notice. Seems like a absolute no brainer of a idea on my part.



Better then being on the bubbler.

7. Just catching up on film from last night and I think this kid has a opportunty to be the best Irish running back since Lesean McCoy

Listen Christian is very talented but we have to wait ot see just how much of this is that potent Derek Anderon-led offense that can hit McCaffery from all sorts of different throwing angles. Because Sherriff Cam is coming back into town as soon as his shoulders healthy enough to act like hes got the whole weight of the world on it again, and that could impact Christians touches since his game is more suited to break through small holes with bursts of speed rather then run in the open field because every linebacker is worried about whose going to sack Cam.

8. Perhaps the frontruning Kevin Durant is turning down the visit to the White House because hes considering singing with Russia. Kind of a self inflicted wound for Trump but what did you expect Durant to do when he heard we dont win anymore. Just something to consider.

9. This is unbelevable

Tennessee defensive coordinator Dick LeBeau, 79, shot a 66 at a golf course in Winston Salem, N.C., this offseason.

Theres only one concluson to draw here and thats that Dick LeBeau, whose name literaly translates to “the beautiful dick”, is possibly in the top 1% of all Americans at cheating at sports. Football guys claim to keep score with integirty but at the end of the day you want to win, and cheating with such a over the top prepostrous claim as shooting basicaly a course record in a town thats named after two different kinds of cigarettes is putting your balls on the table and betting that your opponet has so much integrity that they’d never accuse another man of cheating. This is the beauty of coaching for the Titans you can make whatever outlandish claims you want and no one will realy care enough to ask a follow up question. If he had said this as D coordnator of the Steelers he would of had 6 beat writers 2 morning DJs and a hundred guys named Gregg waving terrble towels showing up at his house with potato casseroles offering to mow his lawn and building churches in his honor out of french fries.

10. People who are critcizing Anquan Boldin for taking so long to announce his retirement simply havent paid attenton to how fast he does anything. People forget Anquan ran a 4.71 40-yd dash which means he was deceptively slow- causing defender’s to dive at the grass 3 yds in front of his feet for his whole career and enabling him to rack up YAC. Im gonna call this Buffalo team the Infrastructure Bills because they need to be completeley rebuilt.

Whats Shakin In Sports Biz??? Roger Goodell Wins Again


Congrats to Commissioner Roger Goodell who has taken enough punches to of earned a 5-year extenstion from the owners, carrying him through the upcoming labor negotiations. Goodell has proven to be a worth adversary of the NFLPA. You know who else had a New Deal thats right it was FDR who understood that sometimes in a war you have to let your enemy damage there own brain if you want to win.