Last Night's ESPN Fantasy Football Auction Had An All-Time Bad Visual

Look, I know what a fantasy auction is. I’ve done one in my life and it was fucking INTENSE. Partially because I don’t have the testicular fortitude to truly engage in a bidding war with anyone in person, partially because I just couldn’t get over someone talking like the Micro Machines guy 10 feet from my face. But there was just something about this video that made it extra weird. Maybe it was Odell Beckham’s face appearing on a fucking popsicle stick with a “what the fuck am I doing here” look. Maybe it was the fact that the auctioneer sounded like every auctioneer ever, which is to say at least 60% evil. Or maybe it was the fact that everyone bidding on him was cream cheese white and wash their boat shoes on a weekly basis (I still don’t know if you are supposed to wash boat shoes or what. I’m a sandals guy for life). But whatever it was, I felt like I was watching Get Out 2 starring Odell Beckham Jr. instead of a fantasy auction draft, with this guy playing the primary villain.


Sometimes the double finger point is more intimidating than the double finger guns.

Anyway, if everyone dressed up like a typical fantasy draft, it’s not nearly as weird since they would all look like hungover slobs instead of country club members. Market to the common man one time for me, ESPN.

I don’t care what the salary cap is in that league. Odell Beckham for $34 is a fucking steeeeeeeal. I would mollywhop all those fancy Bristol bitches in a fantasy league.