Volt The Goat Shot Four Times For Aggressive Posturing At A Police Officer's Privates

PORTLAND, Ore. — A sheriff’s deputy shot and killed a goat that had escaped from a Portland farm last week.

The deputy said he felt threatened by the goat’s size and horns, and that he had tried several times to stop it from advancing toward him, according to the Washington County Sheriff’s Office case report.

At one point, the deputy said he grabbed the goat’s horns and pushed it away, but it didn’t help.

“The goat put his head down and approached me with his horns pointed towards my pelvic area. I grabbed a hold of one side of the horns and pushed him away from me,” the deputy’s statement reads. “I could feel the strength of the goat as he brushed me off and came at me again. It appeared as though my pushing the goat away was making him more and more angry as he kept coming at me.”

Sometimes you have to make a split-second decision. You’re at work and pulling people over while it’s raining because you care more about public safety than you do your uniform getting wet. Getting wet is part of the job. You are on the highway when a call comes over the radio.

“Crime is in progress. We have escaped animals near a petting zoo. I repeat various animals of various sizes completely running amuck”

“Roger that. Informational. What kind of animals? We talkin bunnies and whathaveyou?”

“It is with a heavy heart that we report that a very strong goat is loose.”

You are on your way. Heart pounding. Fear boner setting in. You get there and see this little white devil looking straight at your cock with a reckless intent in his eyes. He’s coming for them privates, yall. Everybody knows it.

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So what do you do? What any person would do in this situation. Jesus Christ. It’s not rocket math. You shoot that damn goat four times and live to round up animals another day. Two to the neck and one to the head and one to the heart. Just like they teach you at goat shootin school.

That being said, I’m not sure what this farmer’s problem is. Makes it sound like shooting a goat four times was a little too aggressive.

“Farmer Matt Minnick said he feels partly at fault for allowing the goat to escape, but didn’t agree a shooting was necessary. He said 7-year-old kids are able to deal with goats.”

Show me a seven-year-old who can take a full-forced goat wallop to the groin and I’ll show you the next Mike Alstott.