MMBM: Could All-Out Nuclear War Actually Be A Blessing In Disguise For The Development Of Rookie Quarterbacks?

Note: TL;DR.

Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.

First of all I want to say this. Not to get political but I am in no way shape or form advocating for the complete annhilation of the human species, or any other species of animal that isnt smart enough to invent a weapon that can kill them all because two of there leaders got mad at each other. I’m on the record as being staunchly anti-human extinction. However, if I’m a NFL front office-type, I might be counting my blessings that the impending nuclear holocaust might by me a couple more years of developmental time with my young QB before he gets thrown into the real fire of the NFL regular season.

The NFLs rookie QBs have allready outperformed the expectations of just about everyone. Deshaun Kizer, Mitch Tribisky, Deshaun Watson, and Pat Mahomes look like there defying all conventional wisdom and somehow better than Brock Osweiler, Mike Glennon, Tom Savage, and Alex Smith. But looks can be deceving and whilet heres allways this big rush to get your new toy out there into combat wether its a shiny state-of-the-art Minuteman thermonuclear land-based ICBM capable or someone more focus on self-destruction then mass destruction like Swag Kelly. As we’ve learned, the threat of overwhelming military action can only keep Kizers at bay for so long before they get there bluff called.

The NFL game, much like our nations geopolitical military deterrence policy, has allways been a bit of a arms race. The nuclear triad of land air and sea literaly could be reinterpreted as a passing attack, rushing attack, and using your vision to see the presnap read and make adjustments. Theres a lesson at play here- building these skills up takes time and you have to build them up smartly or else you’ll have lots of skills that are ultmately useless. For example if your building a QB to play in the NFC North maybe dont draft a guy like Mitch whose biggest asset is hes got cool tan arms when the sun disappears from October through May and as a pretty boy QB he’s not going to be tough enough to wear short sleeves . Likewise having a nucular arsenal of thousands of weapons and MOABs might not be as affective when your just trying to kill one guy or all the guests at his friends wedding.

The other good thing about starting a war in terms of developing a franchise quarterback is that the ensuing military draft will remove some of his potental competition. Imagine not having to go up against elite defense of backs because there all conscripted into fighting a land war in asia. Would do wonders for your young leaders confidence and pad his stats as well. If Paul Wolfowitz hadnt been a total cuck during the Iraq war maybe we would of had a REAL draft where Robert Mathis had to serve in the middle east and David Carr wouldn’t of gotten so gunshy from having his face driven into the turf. Kind of a sliding doors moment there in many ways.

The most sure-fire way to ruin a young signal-callers career in the NFL is either by throwing him to the wolves before hes ready, or by having him vaporized in a mushroom cloud exploding out of a rocket fired from a Romeo class submarine. But if you had to pick one if Im Andy Reid looking at Mr. Mahomes Im taking my chances againt the radiation instead of raiders nation. I mean whats the use in keeping your eye on the countdown to the apocaplypse if you dont have any timeouts to use to slow it down.

I’ve spoken with a few front-officeish folks around the league and they agree to a man that a full-scale nucular war in the korean peninsula and south pacific could buy teams enough time to win now with a young quarterback but its a learning process in the NFL. Right now these guys look good because they dont know what they dont know shout out Donald Rumsefeld, but soon enough there rookie season they’ll start to know what they dont know and lose there confidence. You need to get to the point where you’ve forgotten everything you didnt know to have a chance to win in this league and thats when you take that next step. The esiest thing to teach a young guy is the long bomb. You put some air under a missile and let Kim Jong or someone else with a dumb haircut like Antonio Brown run onto it. Tyreek Hill>>> Hamburger Hill. Its all the underneath stuff reading coverage that takes time, learning the nuances of the game and being able to exploit every standard defensive package untill you can say that all your base are belong to us.


On to the awards:

Road Grader of the Week: The New King Of Pad-Level Chris Carson

Ok so Chris Carsons probly a third string RB on the Seahawk’s right now, but the rookie out of THE Oklahoma State University seems to understand the first rule of football- rund behind your pads and want it more. He had two touchdowns against the LA Chargers in the new LA National Futbol League stadium in front of a packed house of like 20,000. The Seahawks allways have a tough schedule because they have to travel east for literaly every road game, but the best way to combat travling East is by running North South. Look at this guy get lower than whale poo-poo on a one yard carry that would make John Kuhn blush:

And then heres a little clip of the fella from college. I just want to put it on record that I call this guy Chris Arson because folks hes on fire


10 Things I Know I Know

1. Fortunateley for Bryce Harper, superstar 24 year old atheletes in DC dont have a history of catastophic knee injuries because someone could of gotten hurt on Saturday when his foot slipped off the bag. Harper looked more awkward trying to get to first base then Tim Tebow folks.

But what the lame stream media ISNT telling you is the fact that Bryce Harper only got hurt because he was to concerned about how his hair looked to watch where he was stepping. As he touches the base hes literaly fixing his little coiff to make sure that in the event of a replay challenge his hairdo looks super sweet in slow motion. Hey Bryce instead of rocking the neo-nazi style how about you shave your head like a real Amercan?

2. Thoughts and prayers to Leonard Fornette who suffered a foot injury presumably from having put it in his mouth by disrepsecting the NFL and calling it “easy” and “slow”. Well guess what Leonard Fornette looks like karma caught you from behind. That’s the thing about karma is it plays with a chip on its shoulder. Tremendous tape speed. Im concern that Fornette has already let the bright lights of Jacksonville go to his head and its making him soft. Coach O wouldnt let you miss practice with a foot, its basically a soccer injury and you dont run with your foot you run with your heart. 

3. Texas A&M has a brand new motvational tool that is going to be tough to top:

The trash can is the ultmate blue collar receptacle its essentally a lunch pail for raccoons. Im sure the libs over in Austin will file a complaint with the state goverment demanding that it be changed into a recycle bin since the Longhorns have been practicing with a compost heap on the field for the last 6 years under center.

5. This is a football guy


From top of his head on down this guy get’s it. You got the bucket hat, hoop earing, chinstrap, customized home and a way jersey with a hilarous swear on it, bud light, jorts, and im pretty sure thats a calf tattoo on his left leg. This guy was designed in a lab that produces NFL fans like sex dolls that only get fucked by owners. This is the perfect photo for a dating app for people who would let there girlfriend cheat on them with Matt Stafford.

6. Falcons coach Dan Quinn has a fancy new clock in his office:

I dont live in the present because its literally a participation trophy for being alive- its a gift thats why they call it the present. Maybe Dan should consider putting now in reverse- its always important to look forward but given his playcalling in the second halve of the superbowl its ok to think Back sometimes.

7. Our long national nightmare is finally over as Roberto Aguayo has signed a contract with the Chicago Bears. I was a little nervous that Belichick was going to get his hands on Aguayo and use him in a unconcentonal manner wether that be having him start kicking left footed or putting him in the slot and letting him go to work against a soft zone. Tampa Bay General Manager Jason Licht is probably the hero of the day in putting his hand up and amditting that he made a mistake in drafting Aguayo, but anytime you have the opportunty to trade two draft picks to move up into the second round to draft a placekicker you have to make that deal before the Raiders do.

8. Ezekial Elliot Ness should of put nonconsenting women on his “untouchable” list. Roger Goodell threw the book at Elliot which is probably a new sensation for him given the fact he attended A Ohio State University. A 6-game supsension reminds us that this is the new NFL where Roger Goodell will arbitrarly choose to award longer punishments instead of short ones yet still has not supsended OJ Simpson.

9. Looks like Marshawn Lynch just cant seem to decide which part of the first amendment he disrepsects more,the part about recognizing other peoples rights to peacfully assemble and make a statement during the playing of the natonal anthem, or the freedom of the press to interview you before the Superbowl. Marshawn says his protest of the anthem dates back 11 years I guess when he got drafted by the Bills and thought he was in Canada. Well Marshawn your in Oakland right now far away from the racial injustices and creeping gentrification of Buffalo New York. Many people are asking why theres no outrage for Marshawn and Defense of tackle Michael Bennett like there was for Colin Kapernick and the difference is theyve got rings. If your a superbowl champion you’ve earned the right to show up every other american who hasnt won a title. Tom Brady and Bill Belichick could come out as being anti-amercan, like if they hypotheticaly insinuated that it wasnt great in some fashion and people woudnt care because they have proven there better than the rest of the country. So until Kapernick wins a Superbowl he shouldnt be aloud to play in the NFL.


10. Jordan Matthews of the Bills has been diagnosed with a Chip fracture on his sternum and is now day to day. The Eagles getting rid of a guy one practice to soon as opposed to one practice to late just goes to show you the ruthlessness of this game but you have to take your hat off to Howie Roseman for finally trading away a player who wasnt even that good. But people forget that the entire point of having a sternum is so that you can break it and still be fine its basicaly like having a scratch on your shield. Like having a little bit of paint on your helmet or some dirt on your uniform. All a sternum does is get in the way of your heart time to sack up, stick your chest out, and get out there for your teamates.

11. The NFL has made a huge step in the right directon in fixing their ongoing officiating issues by taking there existing referees and giving them raises and asking them to work more. Thats right they’ve brought many officals on full-time, which is the sports equivlant of getting engaged to someone so they’ll stop cheating on you. Goodell is basicaly hoping that Larry Trippelette will grow out of his slutty wild child phase and settle down if he makes the commitment to him, and frankly I think its a wonderfull idea. In order to cut down on fan violence/bathroom stall sex the NFL should also consider making many of its fans full-time as well

Whats Shakin In Sports Biz??? Illegal Gloves

Theres a video out there of Odell Beckham being back on his bullshit showing up his QB by making acrobatic catches and forcing us to queston his accuracy. ODBJ plays like he wants to get all the credit just because Eli Manning is wofully inept like 60% of the time.

Couple things stood out in this clip allthough I will wait for the All-22 to come out to properly judge it: First of all this screams to me viral advertising set up. Look at all the Giants logos conveniently in the background of this video as well as the conspicuous on the screen and #GiantsCamp. This is a dead givaway that the video could be biased or the work of a marketing team. Besides the terrible fact that major corporations have somehow started to sneak big money into profesisonal football I have some other issues with the video itself.

1. His misstimed his jump simple as that. Is he disorented form drug use or sex? Its impossible not to ask

2. Use two hands next time. Catching a ball with one hand is like ejaclating with one testicle. We shouldnt celebrate it

3. Why are you wearing two diffrent colored socks. America is divided enough as is between the blue state leftists and the red right dont you think we should be healing instead of formenting our differences?

4. What company is making these new gloves? This seem’s illegal to me to allow sticky substances all over peoples hands, when you’ve got old school guys like Moises Alou and Kellen Winslow being punished and ostracized for trying there very best to make there hands tougher and stickier in a natural way.