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A Review Of The Terrible Nickname Jerseys The Yankees Will Wear

names

Just in case you somehow missed it, August 25th is Player’s Weekend in the MLB and with the players get to wear nicknames on the back of special ugly jerseys. The reasoning is that it coincides with the Little League World Series and the jerseys look similar, but the reality is, this is just a ploy to sell more merchandise. The biggest news out of this is that the Yankees not only will be wearing names on their jersey’s for the first time ever, but won’t wear pinstripes at home for the first time in 100+ years, and I hate it.

It’s not just that the Yankees are giving up something that makes them special that is annoying myself and many other fans. It’s that this isn’t even a real benefit to the players, because these names stink and most of them are clearly a marketing ploy. Don’t believe me? Let’s look at all of them.

Gary “Kraken” Sanchez – This comes from the idea that Sanchez was this beast in the minor leagues we were waiting to release onto the league. Yes, it’s a real thing that is printed on his t-shirt line, but has anyone actually ever called him “Kraken” while addressing him? I think not.

Aroldis “The Missile” Chapman – Cuban missile crisis, I get it. Again no one calls him this besides the Yankees social media team. It’s not the worst, but it’s not good.

Luis “Sevy” Severino – This is an actual nickname so all I can do here is hate that it will be on a jersey that a Yankee is going to wear during a game.

Masahiro “Masa” Tanaka – This could be a thing that people actually call him, but to be honest I don’t see him interacting with his teammates enough to even have a nickname. When I hear “Masa” all I think about is tortillas and an expensive NYC restaurant. The worst part is, we’ll see Asian tourists wearing this FOR YEARS even after he’s not on the team anymore.

Didi “Sir Didi” Gregorious - Can’t get too mad at this one. You get knighted, you rub that in people’s faces. I mean Elton John is worth a gazillion dollars probably and still pimps out the “Sir” on people.

Starlin “All-Starlin” Castro – There is just no way that Starlin picked this. He’s the type of guy that would want to put something like “Golpe Largo de Papi” on his back but instead the marketing department is highlighting his All-Star game selection this year, even though he’s only played 7 games in the last month and a half. If he’s not back by August 25th, we riot.

Jacoby “Chief” Ellsbury – Fuck you. The only person to ever call him “chief” is a Yankee fan bartender who says, “Wait your turn Chief”.

Aaron “All Rise” Judge – We are smack dab in the middle of some bad ones here folks. “All Rise” isn’t a nickname. It was a thing that fans tweeted when Judge hit a home run, that the team stole from us and is now selling back to us. The guy looks lost at the plate but let’s continue to throw stupid marketing gimmicks around him but this is the worst. 

Chase “Head” Headley – Teammates probably used to call him this, but teammate probably stopped talking to him 20 errors and 100 weak fly outs ago.

Clint “Red Thunder” Frazier – First of all, Clint doesn’t like this nickname. If you give a guy shit about his long red hair all Spring Training and then try to sell merch using his long red hair, why would he like it? Aside from the fact that no one not holding a microphone on TV has ever called him this, it’s a slap in the face.

Dellin “D. Dawg” Betances – I would drain my bank account to see Betances go back to Brooklyn and tell the guys he grew up with that he goes be “D. Dawg” now. This nickname stinks on ice.

Brett “Gardner” Gardner – When Gardner made his only All-Star Game appearance he got a warmup jersey with his name on the back and it was the first time he ever had that. In college and all through his professional career, he never had it once during a real game so odds are he just wanted to wear his own name. In my head though I’m imagining him putting his foot down and saying he isn’t wearing a stupid nickname. That helps me sleep better at night.

Aaron “A-A Ron” Hicks – Real topical guys. Nothing like a 5-year-old joke to get the crowd excited. I hope Key and Peele sue. 

David “D-Rob” Robertson – It’s his real nickname but please don’t buy one of these. You’ll look so stupid.

Austin “Ro” Romine – My mom’s name is Rosemary and I call her “Ro” so maybe this would be a fit for her. But even my mom wouldn’t be caught dead in this garbage, and she buys her clothes at some shitty Florida department store.

Ronald “Toe” Torreyes – This is just a shitty nickname in general, but who in their right mind is buying a Ronald Torreyes jersey? That’s the kind of thing that shows up at your house on Wednesday and you remember you drunkenly dropped $200 on a Torreyes jersey Saturday as a goof. Then check directly into rehab.

Chad “Greeny” Greene – If you’ve made it this far and are still considering buying one of these jerseys, might as well make it a middle reliever.

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Carsten Charles “Dub” Sabathia – If only there was a better nickname for a guy who has the 2 Cs to start his name. I can’t think of one and I guess no one else could either.

Jordan “Monty” Montgomery – He may not even be on the big league roster for this weekend but that’s the least of our concerns. His nickname is “Gumby”. His twitter handle is “Gumby”. If you are going to shove these jerseys down our throats, at least use these guys real nicknames.

Adam “Rocket” Warren – The only reason I can find that he is called “Rocket” is because Joe Girardi calls him that.

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So, there you have it. If you buy one of these jersey’s you’re a world class dickhead. If you buy one for your kid because they REALLY want one, you’re a bad parent that doesn’t set boundaries and your kid will just end up being in the was later in life. Just don’t do it, or the league will continue to roll out shitty gimmicks at games you can’t afford to go to anyway.

PS: All the Yankee haters who want to chirp us Yankee fans because we appreciate tradition can go kick rocks. You’re just mad because your team probably sucks and whatever shit town you live in doesn’t matter.