Florida Man Lies About Getting Robbed So His Wife Doesn't Know He Was Buying Cocaine


Joseph Eastwood, 35, of DeLand, didn’t want his wife to know he bought cocaine, so he created an elaborate story about a fake robbery, according to the Daytona Beach News-Journal.

Eastwood called DeLand police from a pay phone on Tuesday, claiming he had been robbed of $425 by two men at a gas station, peppering in details such as one of the men asking him to spare a dollar, the men’s height and even identifying the men’s brand of shoes they were wearing, the News-Journal reported.

After a search for the suspects, authorities reviewed the gas station’s surveillance footage and noticed Eastwood entered and exited without incident, according to police.

When told of the footage, police said Eastwood told them he was meeting two men to buy cocaine when he was allegedly robbed. Police said Eastwood then told them he didn’t call police from the gas station because he didn’t want his wife to know he was there buying drugs, the News-Journal reported.

Poor fella. Ole Joseph here just wanted to buy a little coke and have a good time. But, everyone who is married knows that you can’t just going around dropping a cool 425 dollars on cocaine at the gas station. Sure, you could make the argument that it’s “your” money because you earned it and that you should be able to buy whatever you want. Well, that’s just simply not the case.

Stories like these are why I suggest that married folks have 3 bank accounts. Yours, theirs, and ours. If you have a certain amount of “free money” that goes into your bank account every month, you can do whatever you want. Wanna buy some cocaine? Go right ahead. Feel like eating lunch alone at a nice steak house where you can check twitter in peace? Eat your heart out. Wanna get a couple of strippers to grind your penis into saw dust only to stop right before you experience orgasm? No problem. You can do that too because it’s free money. It’s your money. You don’t end up in jail because you told your wife two dudes wearing Sketchers’ Shape-Ups robbed you so you need to file a police report. Why were they wearing Shape-Ups? Because they make your ass look like a million bucks without even working out. It’s truly incredible.