Advertisement

Well I Hope You're Happy, Millennials. You've Officially Murdered Beer

Beer

Business Insider – Millennials aren’t drinking enough beer to keep brands afloat.

According to CNBC, Goldman Sachs downgraded both Boston Beer Company and Constellation Brand on the data that younger consumers aren’t drinking as much alcohol as older generations, and the ones who do prefer wine and spirits…Beer penetration fell 1% from 2016 to 2017 in the US market, while both wine and spirits were unmoved, according to Nielsen ratings. Goldman Sachs now expects the overall beer market in the US to decline by 0.7% in 2017.

You sons of bitches have really out done yourselves this time. All this fucking time. All you kids talk about are your darties and your boob luges and your “cracking open a cold one with the boys”. And it’s all been nothing but lies. Lie after lie after lie. Turns out you’re all just a bunch of nerds who would rather spend $24 on boxed water instead of a 30-rack of Miller.

There’s nobody in the world who takes this news harder than myself, a Beer League Hero. For years, beer has been the only thing keeping my athletic career going. As a mediocre-at-best hockey player my entire life, there was no junior league waiting for me. There were no college scholarships on the table. There was nothing but a weekly Tuesday night at 10:30 ice slot with my name on it. And it’s been nothing but Beer League supremacy since. But what about now that the beer industry has officially been murdered (or the market has just declined by less than 1%)? What? Do you expect me to get out on the ice without tying a load on in the parking lot ahead of time? Do you really think I can still play against guys who are sober? Get real, bud. Without the beer, there is no beer league. And without beer league, well then what are we even living for?

This is America, dammit. A country that was built by great men. Great men who were drunk off their ass while writing the Declaration of Independence. But kids today have no respect for their founding fathers. However, there’s still time for us to right our wrongs. It is our civic duty to wake up every morning in this blessed nation and crack one open. It is our responsibility as patriots to have that beer at dinner, to have that beer on the beach, to have that beer in the shower. AndI swear to god. If I ever see a millennial in public, I’m going to shove a beer bong up their ass so fast and force them to drink. Responsibly, of course.

@BarstoolJordie