Move Over Fingerprints, "Dick-ometrics" Just Reinvented The Password Game

Source - What if instead of using a password you could just use your penis? CamSoda, the webcam platform, is proposing you do just that. They’re launching a very intimate new way to keep your account secure. It’s called Dick-ometrics, and as the name suggests it uses your peen print as a way to identify you. 

Here’s how it works: Beginning today, you’ll be able to use a pic of your dick in place of a more traditional password. To do this, you’ll need to supply an establishing shot of your member. Then when you want to log in, they’ll use their “proprietary Penis Recognition Tech” to match your penis to the initial photo.

The eventual plan is to be able to use a penisprint in the same way you’d use a fingerprint. So you’d, like, put your peen on a reader and then some beeps and bops would happen and then voilà. 

The company says an erect penis is preferable since there are more “differentiating qualities for verification.”  What about those of us who don’t have a penis to scan? Well, CamSoda says there are “plans to develop similar technology for women.” 

Why has this not been on Shark Tank? It has Robert written all over it; cyber security is his jam. Not sure if dicks are, but it doesn’t matter. It’s a once in a lifetime opportunity. What Uber did to the taxi game this will do to the password game. No longer will you have to press your grimy finger against a scanner, over and over again. With Dick-ometrics, all you do is pull your wiener out, take a picture and voila, you’re in. It’s genius. Look how well designed the platform is:

Other than the white guy having a black dick it’s damn near perfect.

I don’t get why anyone wouldn’t want to use it. Oh- because “having an erection”  and “exposing yourself in public” is frowned upon? Right, makes sense. Or does it?  Late adaptors are always resistant to new technology at first. It could be completely normal to use your member as an eleventh finger in five years, I don’t know. Out to eat with your buddies, “unlock your phone.” “I can’t, my hands are dirty, use my dick.”

It’s a good idea but just like on Shark Tank, I’m out. It’s their first product and I’d be foolish get invested at this point. I’m sure they have a bright future but I don’t think it involves Dick-ometrics.

Bonus:

Editor’s Note:

Somebody doesn’t watch The Leftovers…