The Sixers Should Sign The Life-Size Joel Embiid Balloon Animal That's Being Sold On Craigslist

This news story has been bubbling up like a piece of cheese on hot concrete this weekend, as a seemingly life-size Joel Embiid effigy popped up for sale on Craigslist. If the Sixers’ front office was concerned at how heavily Embiid has been landing whenever he goes up for rebounds/dunks, this 7’2 circus prize might serve as a more suitable post presence.

The sicko behind this masterpiece is an Ardmore man who is a self professed balloon prodigy. He seems like a guy who would be great around kids, yet one who you would never want around kids.

I don’t know how or why but I am some sort of balloon prodigy, I can make literally anything out of balloons. Ridiculous giant balloon sculptures are great for parties, as a gift or just to leave on someone’s porch as a weird and confusing joke. I left a 5 foot T. rex in the first unlocked car I could find and I still laugh about it every day. I can deliver most sculptures by car but large structures like a castle or working balloon pub would need to be finished on site.

Namely, he’s trying to turn his talents into some hardware. And not esoteric sports hardware. Actual Home Depot style hardware. He might be on the cutting edge of balloonery, but he seems like he needs tools to do some actual edge cutting. From the Craigslist post:

I am looking to trade for tools. I got bored with balloons and am moving on to make things out of wood.
I am especially interested in:
Miter saw
A better miter gauge for my table saw
Impact driver
Router bits or accessories
Oscillating multi-tool

The attention to detail, i.e. the naps in his hair, is beautiful.

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The nose and lips, however, might be a little problematic, but I guess there are limited aesthetics when you are working solely with malleable rubber, latex, polychloroprene and nylon fabric. I wouldn’t mind bringing this guy into the office and having him make a balloon tribute to Dave.

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Meanwhile, Joel Embiid has always been most talented playing against air. This creature is filled exclusively with air, and if Bryan Colangelo has a miter saw, he could be on the Sixers practice court tomorrow.