July 9th was my date. The first Sunday of the summer where I found myself completely ready for football. I didn’t want to do shit but sit on the couch and soak eight hours of Scott Richard Hansen into my brain. Like a guy trying to postpone an orgasm, I try to distract myself with baseball lineups, but I just can’t stop fantasizing about football.
Luckily a flock of Eagles are descending on North Dakota to connect with their quarterback and craft a passing attack so disgusting they’ll be calling us an offensive offensive dynasty.
At first, that looks like a slight to Nelson Agholor, but wait!
Let’s GOOO! It’s a bison genocide in North Dakota! No bison is safe! Entire herds of bison are getting collectively ground into feul-pattys for the Birds’ passing attack. Their corpses for our corps. I love it.
The rook Shelton Gibson is there there too? All we need is Backpack Mack, Celek and the RBs and it’s the whole offense. If the boys up there can only stay out of the notorious North Dakota nightclubs, and worse, stripper joints, we might be seeing the most deadly machine to come out of Fargo since this one:
Wentz, meanwhile, continues to get high praise from well respected football minds.
Oh? Go on…
One of the greats, huh? From a rival coach? Seems like it’s bison season.
Straight bison burgers, country music, & redheads. Smack it on a t-shirt and call it a day! It might be two months til football is real, but this should be a nice little snack to hold us over until then.