Bobblehead Day At Wrigley Is Exactly Why Cubs Fans Can't Have Nice Things

Carl7/06/2017 7:56 PM

The Cubs have missed on a few things this year: Schwarber leading off, consistent infield play, Brett Anderson making more than 6 starts, two-out hitting, any-out hitting and so on and so forth.

Point is there’s a list of things the Cubs should improve and as of today, Giving Out Bobbleheads is at the very top. Like what the FUCK went down at Wrigley earlier today?

This is so Cub it hurts. SO CUB.

The bobblehead was supposed to be given out in June but the game got rained out so the promotion got rescheduled to today. And I know what you’re thinking… hey carl are those Cub fans getting bobbleheads 3 hours before first pitch or are those starving kids in Zambia chasing down clean water for the first time in their lives?

Take a wild guess

We’re talking about commemorative give-away Bobbleheads. We’re talking about a handout. We’re talking about poorly designed, chemically-laced, Chinese-Taipei-manufactured ceramics that induced adult human beings to VOLUNTARILY wait 3+ hours in line. And not just any line, but a line filled entirely with other mouth-breathing memorabilia enthusiasts. No fuckin thanks.

The extent people are willing to go to receive a free good will never stop amazing me. Try getting off a Red Line platform in rush hour while Chobani interns barricade the turnstiles with free samples. Or listen to the single dads in the 300 level go bananas for the t-shirt cannon at your next Bulls game. (Probably 10 years from now, btw.) Actually just walk into work tomorrow and tell everyone, “You JUST MISSED a guy giving out free doughnuts downstairs.” Explain nothing more, nothing less and tell me how that goes.

In completely unrelated news, the Cubs have 4 games before the All Star break. If they finish 2-2 or worse, WhiteSoxDave has to jump head first into the Chicago River from a bridge of my choosing.

I know. What a lovely way to rack up class 4 felony charges. It’s also about a 40 foot drop into water that those Zambian kids would generously consider unclean….