North Korea Successfully Tests Missile That Could Allow Them To Nuke U.S. Homeland
Happy 5th of July, folks! Nothing eases you back into the post-holiday scaries like hundreds of piled up work emails, a 100-degree commute, and North Korea all set to nuke the U.S. What a metaphor that is — Monday we’re on cloud a billion, living our best life near some body of water; Tuesday we’re Snapchatting fireworks like we’ve never seen one before; Wednesday we’re back in the office and bracing for a North Korean nuclear attack.
Now, before we do something too crazy like take Kim Jong Un seriously, let’s take a peek at what this missile brings into play.
Alaska? We talkin bout ALASKA!? Look, I love Alaska. I was up there 10 years ago on a fishing trip with my dad and bro; it’s spectacular. Rainbow trout and silver salmon for dayz (for everybody else; I’m a shitty angler so they caught while I untangled from many a nearby shrubbery).
But nobody’s nuking Alaska. Come on now. North Korea’s dumb but they’re not that dumb. You don’t grind over failed missile test after failed missile test and the entire world laughing at your incompetence for decades to finally make your splash on Alaska.
And, quite frankly, I still hold strong to my original theory about North Korea: everything they’re doing is simply a deterrent. They’re not going to nuke us or attack us unless we threaten Kim Jong Un’s way of life, which of course is eating as much food as possible while the entire rest of the country starves and blowing up other powerful North Koreans with anti-aircraft guns. That’s it. That’s all he wants. You let him have that and I don’t think anybody’s nuking anybody.
Our fearless leader is on the case.
Great point from Donnie. How does a leader of men like KJU have nothing better to do with his life than work towards nuking the U.S.? How does one find the time between watching Fox & Friends and tweeting about fake news to oversee his militaristic advancement? What a loser.
A loser with a hilarious quote here, however:
The North Korean leader made the haughty statement, in which he said ‘the American bastards would not be very happy with this gift sent on the July 4 anniversary’, after the ICBM was launched Tuesday, the Korean Central News Agency reported.
PS — Today, Donnie’s not happy with China either.