Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
Pictured: Elliot taking the NFLs annual Friday before the 4th of July new’s dump.
I have a couple issue’s with Elliots cover. I also have some problems with it. Number 1 is The fact that Elliot is in full crouch without anything hanging down is blatent false advertising on his ball securty. If Elliot carried his ball’s half as high &tight on the feild as he did in the photo studio maybe the Cowboys would of beaten the Packer’s. I dont like my running back posing naked like this although I do like the fact hes carrying a football around with him werever he goes so people dont forget hes a ballplayer.
You wont find anyone who cares more about body positivity then me. I wish that everyone could be as happy with there bodies as I am about there bodies but no matter how many times I tell girls boobs they’d be prettier if they smiled more it seems like body image is a real problem in Obamas Amerca where so much focus was put on eliminating chldhood obesity that it shamed people and school boards just because they liked the taste of serving hydrogenated soybean oil to poor kid’s. Funny how we award espys to caitlyn jenner but we shame trans fats. goes both ways.
Sure we could stick to professonal atheletes, heck Aaron Hernandez allmost could fill a half calendar with bodies that he is disrectley reponsible for. But why not have a issue with folk’s that normal people see every day like porn stars?
So why not show unatheletic bodys as well in this issue? Im sick of all these unrealistic body representations both male and female. They could put like some guy’s up in Buffalo jumping through a table naked, or if we wanted to see a fan with Double Ds why not just have a women eagles fan throwing batterys?
I guess what Im really getting at is how badly I want to get Andy Reid to be in the ESPN Bodies issue. I don’t ask for alot but a centerfold of Andy Reid totally nude wearing only the utility belt would go along way toward getting middle amerca to buy it.
On to the awards:
Road Grader of the Week: Coach Ed Orgeron
Coach O is building something down there in the swamp let me tell you what. First of all there returning RB Darrius Guice is squatting 600 lbs, potentally signalling a move to running a pro’s pro-style offense where theres only a fullback lined up in the WE formation. Secondly Oreron is coaching up the entire state of Louisana taking on there most meddlesome historic rival- the hurricane.
If a tornado is a Oklahoma Drill, then a Hurricane is a Lousiana pep rally and theres no such thing as a dry run folks. #GetaGamePlan
10 Things I Know I Know
1. Americas Uncle, Rex Ryan went surfing over the week end in Hawaii and a award winning listener happen to be at the beach.
Its the Summer of Rex this year as hes leap-frogging from party town to party town beforee settling down in the wettest wildest city in Amerca- Bristol, Connecticut for the start of his ESPN gig. Lets hope that these hijinxs dont get Ryan off on the wrong foot, allthough technicaly Rex would tell you thats impossible.
2. The Raider’s just backed up the brinks truck for Derrick Carr and that can only mean one thing- leaks of Aaron Rogers being disatsified with his contract are up next. Aaron Rogers has a google alert set up every time a QB gets a new deal to remind him to complain in a newspaper about being under paid even though Derrick Carr has to pay over 40% of his contract in taxes which is higher then his playoff completon percentage. And the fact thta with his new contract, Derricks going to be able to corner the market on QB eyelner has got to be pissing Rogers off.
Derrick said he was going to spend a sizable amount of his new contract on Chick Fil A & cut out the middle man from the Raider’s who have historicaly spent alot of money and draft picks on things that dont get open on Sundays.
3. Woody Johnson whose name literaly translates to boner wang has been named Ambassador to UK, which is possbly the only weirder name in the world besides Woody Johnson. If Trump was looking for a guy with experence on assisting organizations who are leaving weak confrences he could of just asked Paul Allen. Sending Woody to England could mean big things for the NFL, who is looking to increase the qualty of play in Amerca by slowly moving the entire New York Jets roster to Great Britain.
Woody gave alot of money to Trumps campaign so this is the type reward we’ve seen in the past were Presdents name major donors to english speaking countries that we definitely wont start a war with. Its actualy a total cuck move on Donald’s part to not resume diplomatic relations with Syria,name Robert Mueller as ambassador, and let nature take t’s course. Thats what a real leader would do.
4. Good to see Quinn Snyder scretley asking for white lineups in code without using the words yay, bump, or keys
5. Ryan O’Callaghan came out last week in a interview in Outsports and all of these guys are me:
The only thing more alpha then not caring is demanding to know why a story is news. As consumers, if a story isnt news to us and it is simply to unimportant to even bother thinking about then its our solemn repsonsiblity to inform the publisher in the most public way possible so they know that storys like this wont garner attention or stir up emotion or facilitate public discourse or interactions.
Quick Mount Rushmore of Gay athletes who have come out that I dont spend time thinking about or ranking in any shape or form
O’Callaghan, Michael Sam, the guy from Playmakers, Rudy
Did Tannehill get another conract or something?
7. Cliff Avril of the Seahawk’s used last seasons sack numbers as a motvator for him. He declared he would build a house in Haiti for every tiim ehe got to the QB, which happened 11.5 times. Good for him. I quess. But he built 12 houses in Haiti over the summer, despite the fact that he didnt earn that extra bedroom and half bath. Wow you hear about guys spending there money in ridiculous ways all the time, collectivng sports cars and stuff but Ive never heard of a guy collecting houses. The way this guy is spending all his money on luxury island retreats for himself and the millions of displaced Haitians affected by numberous natural disasters I call this guy Fiscal Cliff.
8 . Leveon Bell has returned from abdomnal surgery and i guess he looks ok on the basketball court. If Bell became a NBA player he woud paralyze his teams offense with a infinite number of 8-second violations
After watching concusson I walked away thinking the Steelers had the best medcal staff in the world, so i have no idea why it took so long to get diagnose with a sports hernia considering that pothead Bell spend’s every second of his life turning his head and cough.
9. Tim Tebow is making his way through the minor’s faster then Mark Sanchez, folks. I think if given enough time this year, nature will run its course and Tebow will end up on the Mets roster do to attrition, but the Mets can expidiate the process and bring him up in time to get enough votes for the all star game and home run derby.
Maybe if Colin Kapernick would shut his mouth he could get a job on a minor league baseball team to. Thats the problem with Kap- hes demonstrated a unwillingness to change sports in the name of getting a roster spot. These unreasonable contract demands combined with his social activism mkes him more untouchable then Tebows penis.
10. Andy Reid has won the power struggle in Kansas City, getting a extension on the same day that they fired John Dorsey the GM, which is like doing a gender reveal party on your adopted son. As a general rule of thumb the more power you can give Andy Reid the better your going to be since all those new repsinsibilitys will distract him from mismanaging any clocks.
But now the search for the new general manager begin’s and the Chiefs reached out to the Vikings to interview there assistant GM George Paton but were rebuffed, which is ironic because historicaly the swedes have always acted like they didnt need George Pattons help when they were surrounded in the north. Patton obvously would love to attack in the West but the Vikings arent blocking his movements as much as there just remainin neutral.
Whats Shakin In Sports Biz???
A bunch o f NFL guys like Marshawn Lynch, Golden Tate, Jared Goff, and Steve Smh have unveiled a new product called “Shower Pill” which is essentally a disposable towelette that you use instead of showering. The fact that they didnt name the product Golden Taint is perhaps the biggest mistep in the history of product marketing. Call me crazy but when did showering become such a cool thing to have to do all the time. Your just washing all the alpha scent off you, the pheromones that say “I work out and you don’t.” I would actually prefer to buy a rag that made me smell like I just got done playing in a ball pit filled with hockey equipment but I guess Im just more of a man then most.