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Jon Hamm Doesn't Like Being Single Because It's "Hard"

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NY Post- Despite being one of the most eligible bachelors on the planet, Jon Hamm isn’t thrilled about being single.

“It’s fine,” Hamm, 46, who split from ex Jennifer Westfeldt in 2015 after 18 years together, told InStyle in an interview released Friday.

He quickly changed his tune.

“It’s hard,” he vented. “It’s hard to be single after being together for a long time. It’s really hard. It sucks.”

“I may be a narcissist in the way that most actors are, but I think it’s not to the detriment of those in my life. I try to be a good friend, a good partner, and all that stuff,” he said. “I’m not perfect, and it hurts when you hurt other people. But the hope is to find the right balance so you can care about your own stuff enough to live your life and do your job well while also not being a monster.”

Whew. Sounds like JHammy needs to get back on the bike. I can’t handle the fact that Jon Hamm is having a hard time being single, folks. The same Jon Hamm who played the sexiest TV character of all time for seven seasons; the same guy who is just as comfortable hosting SNL as he is playing a villainous DEA agent in The Town. The man has range. And you know what else has range? His dick. It’s the size of one of those rubber tee-ball tees. True story, when you bash Jon’s dick with a bat, it just wiggles a little before settling back into his sock. THIS is the man who is having a tough time in the wild.

I was in a relationship recently. It ended because I’m not a good boyfriend. I really only care about myself right now, and specifically, comedy. I want to be out performing standup past midnight every single night of the week, or making vids or writing funny shit. This can lead to some scheduling conflicts. Dinner plans, movie plans, meeting the parents… not for me. I’d rather be bombing at an open mic in a basement of some laundromat in the lower east side, testing out terrible jokes to the 3 remaining comics who linger out of some misplaced sense of pity. They’re drunk, jaded, weathered, and they tuned out hours ago. As I unfold another cocktail napkin covered in half-baked premises, they receive my punchlines with silence and the occasional sardonic chuckle–an expression of self-preservation more than anything, reminding themselves that we are still alive. Barely.

Whew! That went off the rails quick. Anyway, to speak to Jon Hamm’s self-diagnosed narcissism: I’m a narcissist but I balance it out with a crippling dose of depression. I feel like it’s fine to spend half your day thinking you’re God’s gift if you spend the other half thinking you’re a worthless piece of shit.  I live at the extremes and, if you take the average, I’m actually pretty humble. I don’t worry about it too much because all my comedic heroes were the same way. Self-loathing is a key ingredient in forging a successful comedy career and you can’t fake hating yourself; you have to be born with it.

Still off the rails here… let’s see if we can get back on track. Jon does offer an excellent critique of dating apps and the infuriating online flirtation that poisons the embryonic phase of courtship today:

“The point of life is not to put dog ears on yourself and post it online for everyone to see,” he scoffed of social media. “It’s fun, it’s adorable, but it’s the visual equivalent of masturbating — there’s no point other than immediate gratification.”

Well said, Jon. But not all of us masturbate for immediate gratification; some of us do it because it’s the only thing we have to look forward to anymore. We do it because we have to. Now go stick your dick in something before Kim Jong Un calls it an act of aggression.