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Relatable Man Threatens To Shoot His Penis Off When His Wife Yells At Him For Watching Porn

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Gazzettextra- A former East Troy man argued with his wife about sex, threatened to shoot off his own penis, went into another room and fired four shots, according to a criminal complaint.

“If I’m not using it, I might as well shoot it off,” Robert C. Ahorner, 57, formerly of N7270 Highway 120, East Troy, told his wife during the argument.

Ahorner admitted to drinking a 12-pack of beer the day of the incident. He said he started drinking about noon, according to the complaint.

The wife told deputies she argued with Ahorner about 5 p.m. because he was looking at porn on the internet. Ahorner grabbed his then-unloaded 9mm semi-automatic pistol, pointed it at his penis and pulled the trigger, according to the complaint.

Bob, on behalf of men everywhere, we understand you. At 57, it’s clear Bob’s wife hasn’t come within a stiff arm of his dick in a decade. He’s turned to the only thing he has left: drinking a dozen beers and jerking off until he’s screaming in pain. He probably pays the goddamn internet bills, and now his wife is trying to take away his porn? Of COURSE he pretended to remove his penis with a handgun. This is a man at the end of his rope, folks. Frankly, I’m surprised he just pretended to shoot his dick off. Something tells me this isn’t the last dick-shooting story we’ve heard from Bob Ahorner.

“If I’m not using it, I might as well shoot it off.” The words of a completely broken, emasculated man. Offering to perform his own gender reassignment with a firearm. It’s not even funny, honestly. I’m almost certain I’ll have this same thought some day, when my nagging wife has turned down my 4,000th request for a dry hand job and tells me instead to go rake the driveway. I only hope to have the same composure that Bob had, and pretend to do it.

Bob’s to-do list for that day:

  1. Drink 12 beers
  2. Queue up 4 hours of porn
  3. Take out anger on pointless penis