A Guy Started Texting With A Tinder Girl And Was Subjected To The Most Longwinded And Awful Metaphor Of All Time

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Ah the thrill of getting a girl’s number off Tinder, thinking you’re in and all of a sudden the conversation takes a turn. I’m putting this text break in for your sake. The poor dude who emailed me these screenshots didn’t have the choice but to see this chick go on for 10,000 words about fuckin nothing of value. You can walk away. So either click out now or strap in and bathe in the craziness that only an overthinking Tinder girl can provide.

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My how the worm can turn with a girl you’re talking to on a dating app. One second you think you’re about to exchange a few bantering texts before you set up an occasion to meet up for some drinks and possibly prod a gal’s orifices. And then, instead, you somehow end up swimming inside her brain where it is a dark, scary, and confusing place. I mean what in the world would possibly possess a human being to dump all that shit out before even meeting up with someone? I have no problem with being honest and up front if you’ve got an opportune time and way to discuss it. But 10,000 words with the fucking most pointless analogy in the history of analogies is not the way to put that information across.

And I get she seems crazy and all and I’m focusing on the wrong issues and maybe it’s because I write for a living but everything about how she kept going on and on with the analogy drove me nuts. Why was the book analogy even important? She was just saying “page” and “book” and “reading” when she could have said “Yeah here’s my deal: ___. I would like to take things slow.” The goddamn book analogy didn’t add ANY color, it only made her repeat the same pointless expressions over and and fucking over again. And I bet it was only because she wanted to keep up the “I want to make sure we’re on the same page” joke in the first text and thought it was cute to extend that analogy for texts the length of Dostoevsky’s collected works. I appreciate the honesty, thanks for being so up front, but you’re not clever and I hate you and everything about you because you can’t get to the point. Infuriating.

PS I’m not including the girl’s Tinder bio in here because A) Hopefully she sees this and realizes she needs to just chill out man B) The idea of one of you matching with this girl and getting the exact same lecture would make me very happy. Good luck out there!

(h/t CP)