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Former White Sox OF Brian Anderson Confirmed That Juan Uribe Has An Absolute Hog

Well there you have it folks. The legend is true. Juan Uribe has a living, breathing mammal between his legs. And not only that, but now the question is could Juan Uribe’s gigantic dick have been the reason Gordon Beckham ended up with a disappointing career. I mean it’s one thing to see a some huge dicks in the locker room. I’m sure you see that in every class of the minors. But nothing can prepare you once you get to the big leagues and see Juan feeding mice to his giant Coke can (unconfirmed). Straight up life changing shit one way or the other.

Obviously based on the Mets performance after they acquired Uribe, their life changed for the better. Which is why I’m calling on Sandy to bring back Juan Uribe in one facet or another. You aren’t going to find an impact bat or arm on the free agency scrap heap in May. But you will be able to find an impact dick. And that dick is attached to Juan Uribe. If you don’t want to give him a roster spot, give him a coaching role, a community relations job, or just the guy that does dick tricks to keep the locker room loose. Tell me a man like this can’t fill a role on a team that can’t trust it’s owners or medical staff.

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Also shout out to White Sox Dave for asking the tough questions to get this answer. If you haven’t already, make sure to check out his podcast (Red Line Radio) with Barstool Carl that talks baseball with a Chicago spin.