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James Harrison Casually Pushed A 1,395 Lb. Sled Across A Field Three Days Before His 39th Birthday

How am I supposed to watch this video and believe that this guy is the same species as me? I had to put on two Mickey Mouse Clubhouses in a row this morning to distract my kid just to give myself enough time to get out of bed and get dressed while Harrison is out on a field carrying more weight than an Oregon Trail oxen. And I’m not talking those wagons where people bought nothing but bullets because they wanted to hunt. I’m talking Banker From Boston full shopping spree at Matt’s General Store. All the food, clothing, and extra wagon wheels you could dream of.

In fact, after watching that video, I’m almost ready to give the Browns a pass for almost two straight decades of futility in the AFC North. If having to deal with the bonehead draft picks and free agent signings wasn’t enough, they also have an ageless monster that only seems to be getting stronger as he gets older. And not only that, but said ageless monster once (rightfully) put a Browns fan in a bodybag.

You can say that James has had some “help” over the years, but I’m not going to. The last thing I need is some yoked maniac showing up at my doorstep and tossing my extremely large ass into orbit like he once did his kids.

And if that wasn’t enough, the former Browns (the Ravens) are well-run franchise, almost always in the playoffs and have had some interesting transgressions *cough* deer antler spray *cough* seemingly fly under the radar unpunished. And then you have the Bengals that would probably sign or draft the entire squad from The Longest Yard if it helped Andy Dalton’s QB Rating go up a point. I’m not saying that is any excuse for the infamous Browns Quarterback jersey

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But I am saying I kinda understand how they are consistently the bottom of the AFC North totem pole eating everyone else’s shit.