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Captain Obvious Science Says That Beer Is A Better Pain Killer Than Acetaminophen

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(RNN) – Two or three beers may be a better painkiller than the stuff you get in the drugstore, a British study found.

And beer definitely goes better with pretzels than acetaminophen.

Researchers at Greenwich University in the U.K. say they discovered strong evidence that alcohol is an effective painkiller. They also concluded the more beer people drank, the less pain they felt.

“It can be compared to opioid drugs such as codeine and the effect is more powerful than paracetamol (generic Tylenol),” said Trevor Thompson an author of the study published in The Journal of Pain.

The study compared 18 different controlled experiments that involved 404 people. They found that a blood alcohol content of .08, about three or four regular drinks, can reduce pain by up to 25 percent. It also increased pain tolerance a little.

Big time “No shit, Sherlock” to Science on this one. Fuckin big science, man. Can’t take those fuckers anywhere. Of course beer is a better pain reliever than over-the-counter medicine. You drink to dull the pain away. I have never once got off from a shitty day at work and thought to myself, “damn. I could really go for a full-bodied Tylenol right now.” No. I want beer, wine, booze. All of those make me feel better than some acetaminophen.

Not to mention that some medicines you can’t take on an empty stomach. Beer works better for pain relief on an empty stomach. You can take your dumb ass straight from work and pour a couple tall frosties straight down your gullet and you’ll be feeling right as rain for the rest of the night.

Science needs to stop proving things that we know; work on things that we don’t know. Like yesterday, for example, I was walking around in 92-degree heat. Swamp ass for days. It was absolutely miserable. I’ll never mention that though because I’m not a complainer. I deal with my adversity privately. Figure out a pill that I can take that will stop sweat from dripping between my balls and ass to the point of causing painful blisters because, to be honest, I’d rather have polio than swamp ass. The important stuff first, nerds.