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A Complete Review Of How Well The City Of Philadelphia Hosted The NFL Draft

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Why the hell would the NFL allow a massive 3+ day event to be hosted in this land of filth and degenerate? Have they gone mad? I can imagine within 30-seconds of the gates being opened the stage would be succumb by a vicious barrage of snowballs, batteries, and projectile vomit. Prison camps would have to be set up around the city to hold the masses of drunks that would need to be detained from society during this event.

Hold the phones…do you believe in miracles?!?!?! YES!!!!

Granted, $12 a pop for a Bud Light will damper any sort of savagery, but still. A VERY impressive get together for a town whose tailgates feature a one legged crooner who lets people chug beer out of his prosthetic leg. Seriously. Translation: You just don’t know what to expect when you get a bunch of Philly together. Especially when there’s a ton of down time to stand around to play with yourselves in between picks. Things could’ve gotten real ugly, real fast, but nope. The city really couldn’t have come out any better in the eyes of the sports world:

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They said a record 250K packed the city for the event (breaking last year’s 225K who descended on Chicago). To be honest, long lines and a general World War Z, swarm-like atmosphere the closer you got to the stage were the only real issues I had with the draft. And that’s not the NFL or Philly’s fault. The world simply needs a new plague. Oh, and also little to no reception inside the herd. Be somebody for once, Verizon.

The Eagles did their best to honor various season ticket holders with a lottery to the “VIP Eagles Nest”. And by best I of course mean the “VIP” section was simply a barely roped off directly in the middle of the swarm where people still had to wait in line and stand around with everyone else. At least this guy, as my father, made the best of the Eagles cocktease of a VIP experience in their drunk-man child playpen:

Other than that, you had giants among mortals roaming through the crowds. Actually would’ve felt safer if they were actually carried like Roman Emperors through the masses/all the time to limit injury.

Dawk gonna Dawk.

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Dallas gonna Dallas.

Philly gonna Philly.

Public Enemies #1 (Goodell) and #1a (Dallas) felt the wrath of the Philly faithful the most:

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And there were even orangoutangs making selections in the 4th round because…well, why not? No seriously…why?

Local Mike Mayock claiming to walk off his home set because a monkey making selections risk his artistic integrity after fire takes like this is BUH-NAN-AS. Pun intended.

In the end, besides a little bit of overcrowding, hosting the draft was a massive success all around. I’m actually surprised just how seamless everything went from start to finish. Good, clean fun had by all unless you’re a Bears fan or have a HUGE dump in your pants. And of course there were still people out there too cool for school who shat themselves out of spite:

Can’t win ‘em all, Philly. Or any. But good looks all around this weekend. It was honestly the perfect event for both the NFL and the city.

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PS – We have a video coming out of us doing all the actual “NFL Fan Experience” either this afternoon or tomorrow, so kindly keep your pants on. Or don’t. To each their own.