I’m pretty sure everyone is on the 30 for 30 train at this point. Basically every single one they come out with now is appointment television. Well last night’s documentary was probably my favorite of all time. Easily the most unintentionally funny TV I have watched in a long time. A blast from the past. 1994 Mustaches all over the place, fat guys crow-baring figure skaters, shitty alibis and Tonya Harding still thinking she should have won the gold. So here is me recommending it to you, as well as the 5 best people from last night’s show.
5. The Hit Team
I still can’t for the life of me understand how anyone could get caught for a crime in 1994. It’s unbelievable. No internet, primitive security cameras, no giant fingerprinting database, nothing. If I was put back in 1994 right this second, the first thing I would do is rob 100 banks and easily get away with it. No chance the Cops catch you. Just use a fake name and drive across the border. Nicole Brown’s killer still hasn’t been caught and it’s been over 20 years. The hit team Tonya Harding used got caught in like 3 days. That was mistake number 1. Don’t use the dumbest people on the planet to drive across country using their real name, stop for one night in Detroit, club a figure skate, and drive back. Not exactly rocket science.
Bonus points for Shane Stant repping The U on national television.
4. Sean Eckhardt – Tonya’s Bodyguard
Basically if I was 26 in 1994 (yes this guy is 26 years old in this picture) I would be Sean Eckhardt. Kind of like a sliding doors moment. Cool to see what I could have been.
Unfortunately Sean passed away a few years ago of “unknown causes”, which means the coroner just didn’t look at his heart when they did the autopsy. Oh this morbidly obese man died at the age of 40? Well that’s baffling, check the box that says unknown causes and move on to the next body.
3. Jeff Gillooly
Jeff Gillooly is the reason people do not trust mustaches. Just a power creep stache game. Relentless. Everywhere he went, the stache was watching.
2. Tonya Harding’s mom
You want to show the world who’s boss? Who wears the pants? You do a national television interview with a bird on your shoulder. So fucking intimidating.
1. Tonya Harding
Let’s just say time has not been too kind to Tonya Harding. I’m pretty sure she lives in a shack with a bunch of housecats walking around in her old figure skating outfits rambling about how she could still compete today if given the opportunity.
But that’s the beauty of Tonya Harding. There are two ways you can deal with these things. One, apologize and ask for forgiveness like a pussy, or 2, deny deny deny deny. You may not like her but you have to respect her. 20 years have passed and she still thinks she’s completely innocent. Just convinced herself she did absolutely nothing wrong. That type of mental stubbornness is rare and I love it.