The "Everybody Together, Let's Pray Ian Poulter Loses His Card" Valero Texas Open Preview

Valero Texas Open - Round Two

There is a man on the PGA TOUR who nobody likes, who is a dickhead to the common man, who thinks he’s better than everyone else, who believes getting people to lose their jobs is a fun hobby.

That man is Ian Poulter, and this weekend he can lose his job.

Poulter MUST make $30,624 at the Valero Texas Open this week, otherwise he loses his TOUR card. Hallelujah.

More than we’re rooting FOR anyone this week, we’re rooting AGAINST Ian Poulter. If you’re American — or just a good, honest, hard-working, friendly person in general — you channel all of your passion into a furious rage against Ian Poulter this week.

Join us. It will be fun. #FuckPoulter

Never forget.



PGA TOUR - 2005 Valero Texas Open - First Round

The Texas Open is old as hell. It dates back NINTY FIVE years to 1922. It was originally just the Texas Open, but Valero bought the naming rights in 2002; it’s been the Valero Texas Open ever since.

It’s played at The Oaks Course at TPC San Antonio, just northeast of the city.

Arnold Palmer won this thing 3 years in a row from 1960-1962. Tom Armour III posted the TOUR scoring record of 254 in 2003, posting 26-under here.

The Valero has bounced around on the schedule. At times, it’s been played opposite the Ryder and Presidents Cups. In 1987, there was no tournament because the club hosted the first ever TOUR Championship.

Our boy Steven Bowditch won his first PGA TOUR event here in 2014.

Anyway, enough history.

The Track

Valero Texas Open - Round Three

The Oaks Course is a Greg Norman design with consultation from your 2017 Masters champ, Sergio Garcia. It’s 7,433 yards and a par 72.

Although the event itself historically plays pretty easy, the course has held up as of late. In 3 of the last 6 years, the winner has come in at single-digits under par. The Oaks does, after all, boast a 76.5 rating and a 148 slope.

Notable Holes

2nd, 602 yards, par 5

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Any hole 600+ is going to get my attention. I don’t want to tell you how to do math, but if you rip a 350-yard drive you’re still facing 250 in.

Not many tricks or gimmicks here. Just need to hit the ball 600 yards somehow, at some point, likely via 3 shots. Doesn’t help that 2 typically plays into the wind.

5th, 342 yards, par 4

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Yep, you guessed it, a drivable par 4. Downhill and often downwind, this one offers all sorts of options for the guys. Hopefully most guys (see: every guy) will grip it and rip it at this thing. Fun hole.

8th, 604 yards, par 5

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Another 600-yarder. Fortunately for the guys, 8 plays downwind (but uphill). These par 5s are no joke.

16th, 183 yards, par 3

Valero Texas Open - Final Round

16 kicks off a hell of a closing stretch. This par 3’s got a pretty wild bunker right smack dab in the middle of the green.

17th, 347 yards, par 4

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Another shortie. Gamble time. Love it.

18th, 591 yards, par 5

Valero Texas Open - Round Two

Pretty stunning 5-par to close it out. There’s a creek, it’s uphill, and the resort sets the background. Beautiful stuff, guys will be looking for 4 to cap off rounds here alllll week.



Look I don’t know if that whole thing is the clubhouse or a hotel or just the resort in general. Whatever it is, it’s sexy as hell.

Clubhouse score = 7.9.

The Field

Fuck Ian Poulter.


Winning Score — (-11)

Like I mentioned, the course has been holding up lately. Charley Hoffman won last year’s Valero at 12-under but the wind’s supposed to be up this year. I’m seeing steady winds in the mid-teens all weekend. 11-under wins it this year.

Winner — Branden Grace

We’re off Cap Father. He’s gone dark and hasn’t texted me because I don’t think he really likes us anymore. That’s fine, we’re moving on.

Branden Grace wins this week. The South African finished top-10 last year and T11 at Harbour Town last week. He’s 25-1 this week — very tasty.

DFL — Ian Poulter

We can hope, right?

Dark Horse — Peter Malnati

Look, I don’t think this guy is going to win but he’s 350-1, had an ace on Sunday last week, and was in contention through 54 holes after posting 71, 69 (nice), 67. Plus Trent and I fucked up his name on the podcast so I feel like I owe him one.


Thursday: Golf Channel 3:30-6:30PM
Friday: Golf Channel 3:30-6:30PM
Saturday: Golf Channel 1-2:30PM; CBS 3PM on
Sunday: Golf Channel 1-2:30PM; CBS 3PM on


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Fore Play

We had the man, the myth, the legend himself Steve Elkington on this week. Guy is an absolute machine and a hoot to listen to. Give it your time.


Also, the goons of golf hopped on PGA TOUR’s Sirius radio for about 15 minutes today to chat about rooting against Ian Poulter, the Masters, and more.

Enjoy the Valero.