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What Did People Do During Last Week's Polar Vortex? Watched More Porn Duh

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(Source) Cold temperatures brought on by the polar vortex did not result in porn traffic shrinkage. Clearly there was nothing better to do, other than have sex with another human being. According to Pornhub, people stuck at home due to frigid conditions elected to pass the time by indulging in porn at an increased rate. Per the world’s biggest porn site, there was a spike in traffic between Jan. 7 and 8 compared to the daily averages for the month of January. The biggest change was in Maine, where traffic jumped by nearly 44 percent.

 

First of all this is the least shocking news of all time. Of course when we’re stuck inside we watch more porn. I will admit I was slightly shocked that Illinois didn’t make the top list but then I remembered it was so fucking cold that people actually got off of work, which meant most people were stuck at home with their roommates/girlfriends/wives/kids, which is basically the worst fate known to man. No sports, no TV, and the inability to jerk off freely.

 

 

But this brings about the question, how many times a day is too many for jerking off? I feel like there are some people out there that probably went a little overboard during the Vortex. Like Florida, what the fuck is their deal? You can’t just jump on the Vortex bandwagon and start beating off 5 times a day.  People in Florida are such pussies, complaining about 50 degree weather like it’s life threatening. Or Maine, isn’t it always freezing cold in Maine? Just because we have a name for the cold doesn’t mean you get to go hog wild on your penis all day. I guess my point is this. If you’re a 1-3 times a day type of guy, an average guy, you need to stay in your lane unless its a legit emergency. If the vortex trapped you alone for 48 hours then masturbating a dozen times isn’t crazy. But if you just used a random excuse to start jerking off 6 times a day, that’s kind of weird.  Maybe I’m wrong but if you’re a guy who actually masturbates 4 or 5 times every single day, that’s not a hobby, that’s a problem. And I’m not judging, it’s totally fine, just don’t pretend it’s not a problem and use the vortex as an excuse because then you’re just lying to yourself.  And everyone knows you have to be honest with yourself when it comes to masturbation.