Fuck NASA And Their Newest "Ok This Is Actually The Best Chance For Finding Life" Report

NASA — Two veteran NASA missions are providing new details about icy, ocean-bearing moons of Jupiter and Saturn, further heightening the scientific interest of these and other “ocean worlds” in our solar system and beyond. The findings are presented in papers published Thursday by researchers with NASA’s Cassini mission to Saturn and Hubble Space Telescope.

In the papers, Cassini scientists announce that a form of chemical energy that life can feed on appears to exist on Saturn’s moon Enceladus, and Hubble researchers report additional evidence of plumes erupting from Jupiter’s moon Europa.

“This is the closest we’ve come, so far, to identifying a place with some of the ingredients needed for a habitable environment,” said Thomas Zurbuchen, associate administrator for NASA’s Science Mission Directorate at Headquarters in Washington. ”These results demonstrate the interconnected nature of NASA’s science missions that are getting us closer to answering whether we are indeed alone or not.”

Fuck NASA. Every week with these fucking guys. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again — let us know when you find life. That’s it. That’s all we want to know. That’s all that’s going to put asses in the seats. You can’t claim every single week that the newest discovery is the most likely to lend itself to finding ET, then roll out a new one the following week, then roll out a new one the following week… and have no life to show for it.

Just tell us when you find life and stop teasing us. We’re onto you. We know what you’re doing — you’re trying to keep Trump happy so that he’ll keep funding you, so you constantly drop lines like “most similar planets to earth ever found!” and “solar system moons are most likely to have life world ever found!” so Donnie grabs his checkbook and signs away billions to keep that shit going.

It’s annoying and we’re getting astronomical blue balls. I’ve been hearing about how Europa has life since like preschool. We haven’t sent someone there to check that shit out yet? We’re just now learning about its hydrogen? Get the fuck outta here. Enough with the foreplay, get me to the main event. We want ET.