Wronged Virginia Man Charged With Manipulating His Genitals Outside Of His Clothes

HENRICO, VA (WWBT) –
A man has been arrested for an alleged sex offense at the Henrico County Public Library – Libbie Mill.

Police responded to the 2100 block of Libbie Lake East Street for a report from a witness who said the man was “manipulating his genitals on the outside of his clothing.”

Police used the description of the suspect to track down 59-year-old Alonzo Eugene Williams. He is charged with “Actual or Simulated Masturbation in Public.”

Man oh man. Longtime stoolie Alonzo Williams is being held unfairly! Buddy, if manipulating your genitals outside of your clothing is a crime, lock me up and throw away the key. The fact that the government feels that it has the right to tell you when and where you can manipulate yourself is outrageous. Our pal Lonzo was in the library. Who knows what he was reading. Could have been reading one of those Fifty Shades books. Steamy! Maybe he gets to the part where Christian Gray heads into the elevator and starts fingering that girl from behind. Imagine not having to adjust your penis when you read that steamy literature.

“Hey Chaps. What do you say to those who describe Fifty Shades as mindless drivel and that it perpetuates this idea of violent sex and doesn’t stimulate the artistic side of our culture?”

Scoreboard.

Honest to god, we will arrest people for damn near anything. When I was about 7 I had this super-soft blanket. When I was taking a nap, I would sway the blanket in the air and let it brush down over me. I’d slowly rub the blanket up my legs and over my groin. It felt good. You gonna arrest me for that? I’d like to see you try.