So this is the hot topic this week. How the Baseball Hall of Fame sucks and the voters sucks and the system sucks and everything sucks. People selling votes for no reason, writers yelling at people selling votes and nothing getting fixed. Well in the words of one great American, I don’t embrace excuse, I embrace solutions. So here it is, my solution. Big Cat’s Baseball Hall of Fame Tournament of Champions.
Big Cat’s Baseball Hall Of Fame Tournament Of Champions.
Every year anyone who wants to vote gets to pick 32 Hall of Fame finalists. No age requirement on voters, no age requirements on people they can vote on. If a 5 year old wants to vote for Bryce Harper, that’s cool, if someone wants to see Mark Lemke in the Hall, that’s cool too. If you want to vote for a dead guy, have at it, probably won’t fare well in the tournament but at least he’s got a ticket to the show. Also voting will be done manually. None of these fancy machines. I want pieces of paper with names on them. I also want only old corrupt people tallying the vote. At Big Cat’s Hall of Fame we embrace voting errors and malfeasance. That’s just life, deal with it.
All 32 Finalists will be placed in Churchill Downs. We will then have a 32 man 1 mile race on the dirt. This will be the prelude to the Kentucky Derby. We will also have 32 horses racing on the track at the same time with a staggered start, so watch out guys! You may get trampled (don’t worry they signed a waiver).
It will be the most watched event of the year. Paula Abdul will sing the National Anthem and Nick Lachey will be the Grand Marshall. 16 people advance.
Our 16 finalists will then be placed inside of a van and taken to a remote location. Once at said location they will be split into 8 pairs of 2. What will they then do? 3 words. Life Sized Chess. Why people don’t talk more about life sized chess is probably the craziest thing about our society today. Ever play? It’s fucking awesome. You’re playing chess but you’re also moving the pieces in real life with your body. Nuts. 8 advance.
The 8 Hall of Fame finalists will then be flown to LA where they will compete in a skills competition ala American Gladiator. I’m talking tennis ball gun, hang tough, joust, tug of war, the works. If you did steroids and your body sucks now, well then start doing steroids again. Figure it out. The only rule in this round is that there are no rules. Use that knowledge to your advantage. 4 will advance.
4 remaining finalists will be thrown into the deep end of a pool. The 2 players that can tread water the longest advance. The 2 players that can not, die. But remember, even if you die you’re still eligible for the round of 32 next year, so kind of a silver lining even though you’re now a dead guy.
2 Finalists will now play a 7 game series of Major League Baseball featuring Ken Griffey Jr. for Nintendo 64 (No one is allowed to use Randy Johnson because that’s cheating). Winner is the winner.
The sole winner of the Baseball Hall of Fame will then be placed in a cage and driven around the country so that people from all walks of life can look at and touch his face (not in a creepy way though). This will last for the entire summer at which point he will be set free into the wild and allowed to carry on with his life.
Tell me this plan isn’t genius. You can’t, because it’s only slightly crazier than our current system.