I've Held My Tongue For As Long As I Can Regarding The Peeps Pizza. It Must Be Stopped.

Previously

Today

Much like a bullied child, I’ve remained silent for the last week while I took my pizza punching. On April 2nd, the year of our lord 2017 a Peepza was retweeted onto my timeline and I said nothing. I didn’t want to give the monsters the satisfaction they sought. I withstood my torture and spit at my captors, refusing to plead for my life so they could get their rocks off.

But it’s too much now. Every man has a line and mine’s been crossed. Now that official reporter accounts are tweeting about this “phenomenon” it’s time to be the hero that everyone who’s ever had a delicious slice of pizza deserves.

Peeps? We’re putting Peeps on pizza now? Folks, fellow Americans, people… don’t. Simply don’t do this. Peeps, on their own, are the ass of Easter candies. I’d rather eat Jesus’ rotting but shockingly alive big toe rather than let a crusty, disgusting Peep touch my tongue. If we were to list the best Easter candies then Peeps would find themselves behind plastic eggs, fake grass, rabbit stew and wicker baskets. I’d eat all of that and die before I considered eating a peep. Yet, for lord knows what reason, we’ve decided to ruin bread, cheese, and marinara sauce with this disgustingness? During the lord’s back to life season, no less?

I won’t stand for it. I know the Jews have all their stuff about Kosher but it’s time for another update to the King James Bible (it’s been long enough don’t you think?), an update that says if you dare mix dairy and marshmallow then you’ll spend your eternity in hell. It’s blasphemous, there’s no other way to say it, and it’s an attack on American values. Frankly I’m shocked Fox News hasn’t done a segment on it yet because it’s just that offensive. You can put nothing on a pizza or you can put meat on a pizza. Anything more than that is the act of the devil himself.