The Federalist – Every year, countless young men find themselves trapped in the Friend Zone, a prison where women place any man they deem worthy of their time but not their hearts, men they’d love to have dinner with but, for whatever reason, don’t want to kiss goodnight.
Being caught in the Friend Zone is an inarguable drag on fertility rates, as a man who spends several years pledging his heart to a woman who will never have his children is also a man who most likely won’t procreate with anyone else during that time of incarceration. Free him to find a woman who actually wants to marry him, however, and he’ll have several more years to sire children who will laugh, create, sing, fill the world with love and, most importantly, pay into Social Security.
Quite simply, for the sake of our future, the Friend Zone must be destroyed. For the Friend Zone to be destroyed, women must accept the following truths: you don’t have any guy friends and, in fact, you can’t have any guy friends.
Not helping matters that this fella is exactly the anti-friend zone champion that you would expect:
The response online from angry people, many of whom ladies attempting to look both smart and sassy in their professional headshots:
I’m going to take the whole eugenics undertones of his article out and focus on the friend zone thing. And not to go middle man on you here but the reality is that both these frothed up gals and our pal Hans above have a point. The friend zone is real for sure but men and women CAN be completely functional friends with no pent up resentment or subtext, but only under these criteria:
1) Girls dating a friend - Forbidden territory, she can be a value add to your own pussy chasing, this is the most functional and readily available.
2) The man is not attracted to the woman - Easiest option. No physical attraction means he isn’t immediately trying to smash and can embrace her for her own merits without the first desired option. The inverse can work too but lots of guys who weren’t viewed as attractive by a girl still hang around hoping her mind changes. It often does not.
3) The woman rejects the man but he handles it with class and dignity - Sometimes there isn’t a match but you enjoy each other’s company enough to strike up an actual friendship. There’s still a high likelihood a girl may have to put up with some overt flirting or worst case a gross confession of love at some point but, again, if the guy can keep it mostly clean there’s hope for friendship.
4) She wasn’t available and the guy isn’t one of those “get fixated” types - There are times you meet a girl, she has a boyfriend, and it’s all about how it’s handled from there. If she’s cool and you’re sane, sometimes timelines don’t match up and you can enjoy each other’s company (assuming her significant other is cool enough). But this could EASILY become one of the worst friend zones where a guy camps out forever waiting for a shot, high toxic potential.
5) You hooked up, it fizzled out, and you both made peace with it - This one is simultaneously the most functional and least functional. Understanding each other without the sexual tension because you’ve both been there and done that is a big asset. But that comfort can easily lead to backslipping into hooking up. You may be good friends, you may be bad friends, you may realize you love each other…but all around it’s a powder keg.
So yeah, can men and women be friends? Of course. Should women fuck all their friends to procreate because of Hans’ wildly unpersuasive argument? Probably not. But is male-female friendship a dangerous place that can go south for both sides in a million different ways? Undeniably. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst, that’s male-female friendship in a nutshell.
(PS New Swipe Drunk Love tonight at 9 on the Barstool Sports Facebook Live talking slump busters…great way to heal from a friend zoning. Hans and you should tune in.)