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Unless You Want To Have A Seizure, Do Not Take A Penalty Against The Colorado Avalanche

The other night Scottie Upshall took a high sticking against Francois Beauchemin. Kind of a dick move but hey, these things happen. Usually when you get a penalty, you go to the box for 2 minutes and you feel shame. The Colorado Avalanche, however, are here to add a little more insult to injury by non-consensually fucking your eyeballs with strobe lights as if you’re at a Barstool Blackout party or some shit (obligatory El Pres Inside Edition interview here). Which is a brilliant move on the Avalanche’s part if we’re being completely honest. Got a guy with a lengthy concussion history in the penalty box? Let’s beam the shit out of his eyes with a ton of flashing lights to make sure he can’t see straight for the rest of the week. Got a guy with epilepsy in the box? Let’s completely malfunction his brain and give him a quick seizure to really take advantage of that 2-minute powerplay. Even just watching on a screen has me seeing double and feeling like I’m ready to puke.


So yeah. Let that be a lesson to the rest of the league. You better play a clean game in Colorado or else you’re getting bukakke’d in the face by a gang of strobe lights. Maybe Scottie Upshall will think twice next time about bringing his stick up off the ice like a deranged lunatic.