Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
This offseason has been awash in conspiracey theories about just why Colin Kaepernick has not been signed as a QB or wide receiver to a NFL roster. I’ve seen alot of think pieces out there about scheme fit, blackballing, and his political leanings, but the fact of the matter is that no team has signed Colin Kapernick because of the way he wears his hats. How soon we forget how Colin went from being the best QB maybe in the history of the NFL to a guy who couldnt stay on the field sometimes and how neatly his descent into back up came when he threw his lifestyle into reverse along with his baseball cap.
I dont know whose making Kaps fashion choices, but when you look like your modeling your wardrobe after the bad teenagers from the Ninja Turtles movies I have to question who your role models are.
A little history lesson for those of you who may not be aware about the murky background with wearing a cap in a manner inconsistant with its labeling: Backward hats came into popularty when many singers in cities were saying to allways keep eyes in the back of there heads in case the police drove by looking for nogoodnicks sucking down jazz cigarettes. If anything Kapernick should be wearing a fedora like Big Ben or David Garrad as a homage to his career that woudnt be anywhere without the pistol and bootlegging.
Tough to prove youve got your head on straight when scientists could use the 180 degree angle of your hat as a protractor to say exactly how hot the takes that are being written about you are. Thats what GMs are worried about. Hiring Kapernick is like screaming fire in a crowded theater, or buffet in a packed press box. The only way a Kaepernick hire works if if you can controll the takes from the media- like Hitler did. So in other words Kapernick would of perhaps made a great asset to the 1936 german rowing team, but in a society with freedom of the press bringing him on your squad is pretty much daring a columnist to write something dumb about him, like maybe making a nazi refrence or something.
Speaking of Nazis, Colins diet seems to be more in line with a certain Fuhrer’s than I would like. Hitler was a vegetarian and we all know from his time in San Francisco that Kapernick has struggled to deal with a Chancellor licking his lips. Maybe Colin skipped nutrition class which at the University of Nevada Reno is basicaly a picture menu of Bob Evans options, but its called PRO-tein for a reason. If you want to absorb the power of a animal you have to spend alot of time eating it which is I guess why Brett Farve threw so many wouded ducks.
Colin Kapernick being a vegan is just the latest red flag. Hearing Kapernick was making such presumptious contract demands as negotiating a Health Savings Account for tattoo money so he can get inked up tax-free. When he started to donate all that money for charity it was troubling given how inconsistent hes been on this subject. If Kapernick loved raising money for non-profits so much how come he didnt take a redshirt year at University of Nevada so he could earn one extra years worth of money for the NCAA? Why didnt he donate 500,000 dollars to the NFL league office before it lost its 501c3 status? I would make this very simple. If I’m a GM and Kapernick wants a job I say ok but you have to stop giving money to charitys, and start bending the brim of your ball caps. You want to fold bills in your pocket well you better start folding them on your head first young man.
On to the awards:
Road Grader of the Week: You!*
As I allways say donating to charity is great but the only thing better than doing it anonymously is letting everyone know subtley how anonymously you are when you do it.. Back when the world was better and the Catholic church controlled everything and kept there dirty laundry in house instead of getting caught up with media distractions, people could literaly buy there way into heaven. Lets bring those good old days back.
If you havent heard we’re raising money for bajillionare JJ Watts charity. Yes JJ has more money than most somalian pirates think exists in the world, however you know who dosent have alot of money? Poor kids. So we’re raising money for them so they can get safe places to catch a hang and maybe make out with their crush for the first time after school. If your not in a position to donate thats fine, but if this sounds like a worthwhile endeavor then wed love to have your support.
After we hit our goal we will cut a check to JJ in return for a hour-long onsite interview with him prefereably at his rustic log cabin if he has enough parking space for our dog sled’s that are the only way to reach his place, and provided he has enough seal oil or whatever to burn enough candles to provide adequate light and heat. Anything over our goal will also be donated.
*Unless your Hitler. I hope the Uruguayan goverment comes and breaks down your door as your reading this and takes you to prison where you belong, scumbag
10 Things I Know I Know
If Im the owners I think about franchise tagging Goodell and paying the the equivlant of the average salary of the top 5 league commissioners including NBA, NHL, MLB, MLS, and WNBA, provided he pass a drug test. This salary would give him a very generous $8million dollars a year as well as allow him to prove himself on the open market.
If Goodell dosen’t want the tag he could choose to sit out a year or go find a different league that will pay his desired salary thats up to him. I supsect he will find that things are pretty good for him as is.
Giving Roger Goodell a entire year off football would allow him more time to focus on his hobbies like botching investgations and collecting and examining large mens urine. With a little initiative, Goodell would spend his sabbatical learning the nuance smell, taste, and texture of positive drug samples come back stronger then ever. Having a in-house piss sommerlier as commissioner would let the league cut back on there drug testing expeditures which could allow the owners to pass some of the savings on to Goodells new contract.
2. Ben McAdoo can not be a real person
Cant help but think maybe if airplanes had doors this size then certan wide recevers wouldnt be able to walk on them to fly down to Miami before playoff games. Usually not a good sign when your coaches door dosen’t open up as wide as your starting Quarterbacks mouth.
Heres the nice thing about this office. If your a NFL coach you arrive for the season with some summer bod going on and then once the year starts you gain a bunch of weight in your office to the point where it allmost becomes a ship in a bottle type situation and you cant physically leave. A wide door just makes it easier for you to walk away from your repsonsibilities.
2. The Arizona Cardinals invented a fake dating app for there fans which is ironic because I wasnt sure that cemetaries and Klan meetings even had LTE service.
3. The sweetest rule in sports- the one that allows stay-at-home golf fans to tell on players for rule violatons- reared its awesome head yetserday as a anonymous source called in a penalty on Lexi Thompson for moving her ball a inch or so when she marked it on a putt. Women of all people should know that sometimes lying about a couple inches can mean the diffrence between grinding one out and having a unsatisfying finish. If your honest about being a inch or so short it just makes you work harder on your up and down game which isnt necessarily a bad thing.
4. Skipping work to get drunk and watch the NCAA tournment should be considered a tax write-off since giving them ratings is technicaly donating money to a non-profit. It feels good to give back. Cant wait for the simplified tax code.
5. Among other things there has been talk of Johnny Manziel getting a second second chance with the New Orleans Saints. Teaming him up with Manti Teo could be a great culture fit since thats one less female acquaintance he would be tempted to assault. Speaking of the Big Easy folks did you here Khloe Kardashian might be breaking up the Cavaliers? Its true.
6. Geno Auriemma should be fired theres no if ands or butts about it. The way those Husky ladys choked would of made Mama Cass blush.
7. Was Andrew Boguts quick injury from the Cavs a effort to silence him from his ongoing pizzagate investgation? My sources are being mum, but theres definitely chatter
8. Adrian PEDerson is visiting the Patriots today after going to the Seahawks earlier to inquire about employment opportunties. Im not so sure Peterson will be able to handle the Patriots no-nonsense, high accountabilty, physically punishing, extreme discipline environment. They say that the inside of Petersons knee looked like a 6-year old but Dr. James Andrews, per HIPA guidelines, did not specifically mention if he was referring to a 6-year old in general, or one that was being taken tare of by Adrian Peterson. Could go ether way.
9. Rob Gronkowski made his pro wrestling debut last night at wrestlemania. The NFL should not allow player to particpate in other sports where flopping is encouraged. Other athletes will feel that if they want a ring all they have to do is step onto the matt with John Cena instead of putting in extra work in the offseason.
It also gave other teams a great example of how to get inside Robs head a place that is at capacity with LMFAO, both the band and the acronym. First of all Im pretty sure Rob didnt know it was fake. They just spilled a beer on him and his natural reacton was to storm into the ring and shouldercharge the person
10. I know I removed 69 of the week but this is a pretty good one. THink we’ve found the posterboy for Richard Bransons new sperm bank:
Huge lack of class from second place (WBC) winner Javier Baez in the Cubs opening loss to the Cardinals. Baez was playing 2nd when he misjuged a easy grounder. One that I use to be able to field all the time in my backyard. His reason for missing it? He coudnt see the ball because of the big white advertisement behind home plate that made the ball tough to spot.
If this sign was any other color people would be fine with it obstructing play but because its white and lives in St Louis I guess its ok to make fun of it. Sad. Javy should know that these signs pay his salary and if it wasnt for the advertisement for MLB.tv there woud be no product to be put on MLBtv. Just something to think about