The Robbie Fox FastLane Recap - WWE Got Stuck In Traffic Last Night
WWE’s Fastlane was last night, and the show was about as good as it’s name. I was hoping the matches would exceed my already low expectations, but they couldn’t have under-delivered more, setting up a very uninspired WrestleMania card.
Kevin Owens (c) vs Goldberg for the WWE Universal Championship
Not a single botch, never lost the crowd, right man went over.
Goldberg def. Kevin Owens to become the new WWE Universal Champion: *****
loljk
Obviously the match went exactly as we predicted, lasting just under 21 seconds. Goldberg beat Lesnar in 1:26, so obviously they were going to do the same to Owens. It’s a shame, because it truly had a big fight feel from the staredown at the start of the match. At least KO was protected by Chris Jericho’s diversion, I suppose. This was pretty much the equivalent of a distraction roll-up finish, and after WrestleMania, KO will (most likely) still be the main full time champ on RAW.
The fans complaining about part timers, saying they’ll walk out of the WrestleMania during Goldberg vs Brock Lesnar make me laugh, because if they care enough to bitch and moan, they’d never even think about leaving WrestleMania early. Brock Lesnar, Goldberg, Shane McMahon, The Undertaker, none of them will be at Mania for the die-hards. They’re booked for the casuals who wouldn’t buy the show otherwise. Sucks for us, I know, but for short-term business, it works. Until we speak with our wallets, nothing will change.
Goldberg def. Kevin Owens to become the new WWE Universal Champion: N/A
Bayley (c) vs Charlotte for the WWE RAW Women’s Championship
This. Was. So. Fucking. Bad. Oh my god. Don’t even know where to start. The match alone was the worst one Bayley and Charlotte have ever had. Their amazing chemistry from past encounters vanished and things got clunky real fast, leading to one of the worst finishes I’ve ever seen. As Charlotte was preparing to do a moonsault off the top turnbuckle to Bayley on the outside, Sasha Banks ran down, interfering for no reason whatsoever (Charlotte had not used ANY dirty tactics in the match) and allowing Bayley enough time to recover and end the match with two Bayley-To-Belly suplexes.
So just to get this straight, the WWE blew Sasha’s big WrestleMania moment last year to save Charlotte’s PPV win streak. Afterwards, they blew Sasha’s big Summerslam moment to save the streak. Of course, they fucked the blowoff to that feud by putting Charlotte over in the Hell In A Cell match in Boston for the sake of the streak. Just a few weeks ago, they ruined Bayley’s huge WrestleMania moment on RAW…to do this? To end the streak at WWE Race Cars in a shenanigan filled finish that gained sympathy for Charlotte and made the white meat babyface look like a cheater? What the fuck?!
I thought maybe on RAW Talk (the post-show), they’d show a replay, Bayley would realize what Sasha did, and NOT be okay with it. I mean, it goes against everything her character has ever stood for. Instead, when showing Bayley and Sasha Banks the finish of the match, Bayley proclaimed, “Oh look at you!” happily. I am irrationally angry about this one, like a fucking mark.
Bayley def. Charlotte to retain the WWE RAW Women’s Championship: *1/2
Roman Reigns vs Braun Strowman
You wanna talk bad booking decisions? How about Roman Reigns going over Braun Strowman clean at FASTLANE?!
I don’t even need to explain this one. Braun Strowman’s an awesome monster who should not be losing clean right now. He shouldn’t need the Andre The Giant Battle Royal win to rehab from this loss, because he should be beating The Undertaker at WrestleMania in 5 minutes flat, retiring him……I may have gone too far in a few places there, but you get the point.
This awesome match was negated by it’s finish.
Roman Reigns def. Braun Strowman: ***1/4
Neville (c) vs Jack Gallagher for the WWE Cruiserweight Championship
Not a big shocker that when you take two of the best Cruiserweights (in-ring and gimmick-wise) and give them time, they’ll deliver you the match of the night. Gallagher and Neville blended a traditional flippy cruiserweight match with a brutally stiff contest, and Jack bumped his ass off to the point where I thought he was dead and/or paralyzed multiple times.
I really hope the Mania direction is a multi-man Ladder match, and has nothing to do with Austin Aries, because it’s undoubtably Gallagher’s time to hold the strap.
Neville def. Jack Gallagher to retain the WWE Cruiserweight Championship: ***1/2
Rusev vs Big Show
I don’t know why this happened. Big Show just beat the fuck out of Rusev for a while and basically tried to end his career. The finish was Show dragging Rusev’s limp body into a corner and punching him in his dead face.
Big Show murdered Rusev: *
Jinder Mahal vs Cesaro
What the fuck, Vince?
Also, why don’t we give that Wellness Test a shot at Hard Body Jinder?
Cesaro def. Jinder Mahal: *1/4
Sasha Banks vs Nia Jax
Sasha’s wrestled Nia before to no reaction, so this time around she went with the “Let’s try recreating Bayley’s NXT match with Jax” strategy. Smart, but still sloppy and stiff for no reason, like most Banks matches. I do enjoy Nia being a very clumsy monster though. I think her booking has actually done a very good job of making her a legitimate threat who is believably beaten.
Sasha Banks def. Nia Jax: *3/4
The Club (c) vs Enzo and Cass for the WWE RAW Tag Team Championships
I love Enzo and Cass, but their matches are getting EXTREMELY formulaic. I’ve been rewatching some classic WrestleManias recently, and if you thought Hulk Hogan matches were the most predictable in the business, Enzo and Cass are here to prove you wrong! WWE has to be very careful with them from here on out, because their overness is starting to dwindle down, and if they keep losing, the fans’ hope for a push will be lost. Classic Dolph Ziggler Syndrome.
The Club def. Enzo and Cass to retain the WWE RAW Tag Team Championships: *1/2
Samoa Joe vs Sami Zayn
One again, these two had a perfectly okay match that never kicked it into a second gear. I’m starting to wonder if Joe’s lost his second gear, because he hasn’t really displayed one since signing with the company in May of 2015. Sami Zayn sold Joe’s offense really well though, and made him look like a million bucks.
Samoa Joe def. Sami Zayn: **
You can’t help but wonder how much better WrestleMania would have been with a few minor adjustments. There was a time period where it looked like we were going to get Owens vs Jericho for the Universal Title, AJ Styles vs Randy Orton for the WWE Title, Braun vs Roman, Cena vs Undertaker, the list goes on and on. It now feels a lot like they’ve assembled one big unimaginative card that won’t appeal to ANYONE outside of 2 or 3 matches built by the talent. That being said, it felt a lot like this before WrestleMania 31, which went on to be one of the best shows of all time. So as hard as it is when you’re a wrestling fan, let’s just wait this one out and hope for the best.