A Drunk in a Bar Comes at You with a Glass, You Outlaw Bar Glasses. That's the Boston Way.

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Boston HeraldYour days of sipping adult beverages from a Solo cup could be making a comeback, specifically at some of Boston’s high-end bars.

Following a string of local bar assaults involving glassware, the city’s Liquor Licensing Board is moving to crack down on establishments where patrons have suffered injuries related to glasses holding drinks. Watering holes with repeat offenses could have to use plastic barware in lieu of the real deal — no matter how upscale the joint.

“If we see a pattern of glass as a weapon it will no longer be allowed,” Christine Puglini, the board’s chairwoman, said at a hearing yesterday, addressing representatives of Minibar, a Copley Square Hotel bar. “You may be high-end, but you’re not acting high-end. …

“It’s concerning to the board that all these assaults are happening with glasses. It’s something the board is going to discuss and perhaps put a plan in place in the near future,” Puglini said. “The board’s not going to tolerate it — if this is happening, the board won’t allow glasses.”

Local restaurateurs, needless to say, aren’t thrilled at the prospect of serving their expensive, expertly crafted cocktails out of plastic cups.

In other cities, a drunk throws a glass or smashes someone over the head with one in a drunken bar brawl, they arrest the guy. They charge him with Assault & Battery with a Dangerous Weapon. Maybe Mayhem. Intent to Murder perhaps, and they lock him up. At the very least, they ban him from that bar and possibly order him to stay off the booze, with regular pee tests and some mandatory AA meetings. Problem solved.

But most cities aren’t Boston. They weren’t founded by people with buckles on their hats who burned witches and no one could buy Demon Rum in a store on the Sabbath until the 2000s. In the capital city of Massachutopia, no incident is so small that the lunatics running the place can’t find a way to show off how much control they have over regular working people. Or at least threaten to.

Right, this is what this situation calls for. Stricter glass laws. Mandatory concealed carry permits on all shot glasses. A ban on assault mugs. Maybe a 10-day waiting period with background checks on the purchase of all wine goblets. How many more must die, Mr. Speaker? How many more?!?

Make no mistake, this isn’t about ending the brutal carnage in our bars. It’s not about keeping highballs out of the hands of criminals. It’s about power. It’s about turning a couple of isolated incidents that have been going on since the invention of booze into a crisis that has to be addressed. Now. And the solution is always about money. Bars will be charged more for liquor licenses. There’ll be a Glass Tax. A state bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Bar Glasses that will be staffed by relatives of the hacks like Christine Puligi, trust me.

So rise up, Massholes. Don’t let them force you to settle for Red Solo Cups and little plastic tumblers. When bar glasses are outlawed, only outlaws will have bar glasses.