Mom And Daughter Murder Hundreds Of Birds By Driving Through Them

NY PostA mother and daughter drove straight into a flock of birds on an empty highway, wrongly expecting them to fly away in time. The collision killed numerous birds, and caused snow to scatter all over the car’s windshield. The driver claimed, “I couldn’t slow down that much.”

I’m not going to take some moral stance here. Sure, I would probably have slowed down and tried not to kill the birds, but… it would have been hard. I LONG to do this. Get behind the wheel of an 18-wheeler and gun it through a field of crows, feathers flying everywhere, squawking to high heaven, pieces of beak and claw peppering your face as you laugh your goddamn ass off. What a dream. How many crows are there on earth anyway? Infinity crows? They’re a fucking nuisance. They’re so bad that we had to invent a thing called a SCARECROW (love that name by the way: verb noun, done).

You ever play the game in the car where you tell the driver “10 points to hit the old lady on crutches?” It’s funny because there’s a small part of everyone that just wants to turn the wheel and turn that bag of bones into kindling. Poe described it in “The Imp of the Perverse,” saying we all desire to do self-destructive things simply because we know we should not.

These women just broke the high score for BirdSmash and I don’t see anyone topping it for a while. They’ll be in trouble because they celebrated afterward. The rampage is forgivable if you carry on quietly, maybe offer a solemn note of remorse for the birds. But laughing hysterically and saying, “There are so many dead on the road!” will put you in internet timeout for at least a week.