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I Fundamentally Refuse To Believe 1/3 Of Americans Flush The Toilet While Sitting Down

So there I am dominating a delightful trivia night this week when the MC announces this outrageous fact: “About a third of all Americans flush the toilet while they’re still sitting on it.”

WHAT???? No, no, no, no, no. This can’t be a true statistic. If it were, then I guess about a third of all Americans have skinned another human for pure enjoyment. This is sheer lunacy. And I am aware that it is commonplace to compare people to psychopaths on this site, but I legitimately wouldn’t feel comfortable in the same room as you if you flush the toilet while you’re still sitting on it. I’d feel as uneasy as Indiana Jones around snakes or your white Grandmother around black people. Like, okay, I can understand if you don’t have home throne advantage and were playing an away game at a venue where there’s not enough leg room to stand up, pull up, reverse, and flush. Then maybe I can see the need to reach around your back to dispose. In instances of courtesy flushes, too, when you’re not done fighting the war but need to give the signal you’re still alive and battling strong. Even so, at least rise up off the seat a little bit for humanity. But on a regular basis, 1/3 of people do this? Are you not afraid of the splashback? Because if you’re not even the slightest bit intimidated of the splashback, there’s a decent chance you’re solely on this planet to watch the world burn.

Am I being crazy or legit about this?

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PS – People who use their bare hands to touch the handle to flush need to rethink their lives, as well. Be a champion of evolution and use your foot.