Deadspin Despises Patriots Fans and it is Glorious


Drew Magary, DeadspinLet’s start with the obvious, which is that (gun to head) the Patriots are the greatest dynasty in NFL history. Bill Belichick is the greatest coach in history. Tom Brady is the greatest quarterback in history …

Time to state a few more obvious things, FUCK YOU being foremost among them. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU WITH A FULLY INFLATED FOOTBALL. Eat shit. Die.

Literally no one is happy for you, Patriots fans. Everything good about sports is wasted on you. … you bloated bags of shit are, through sheer cosmic luck, the beneficiaries of the Patriots’ greatness.

I’m sure you already know this, and are dealing with haters by retreating even further into the miserable, defensive arrogance you perfected long ago. That little THEY HATE US BECAUSE THEY FACKIN’ AIN’T US routine has always been a hilariously transparent cover for your eternal need to be adored. … You’re no tougher or more loyal than other sports fans, even though you constantly pretend otherwise, but you are historically needy and insufferable, so I’ll give you that.

You are scum. …

The good Pats fans (and a few of them do exist) have long kept a low profile so that they don’t get lumped in with the rest of you obnoxious meatheads. Now those poor souls are gonna have to burrow into the fucking ground, because they understand that every Pats title brings equal parts joy and unrelenting, Catholic SHAME …  You are cheering for a sociopathic coach and his fancy dog of a QB to win games for a black cloud of a town populated by moody, ungrateful assholes.

Arrogant? Insufferable? Obnoxious? Assholes? Guilt on all counts. But needing to be adored? Not on your fucking life.

Nice try, Deadspin. But that ship sailed a longass time ago. If you’d been paying attention over the last … well, over the 21st century, you’d have noticed we don’t give a dusty fuck what the rest of the country thinks. You’d have picked up on the body language and subtle, non-verbal clues we’ve been giving off that not only is all of New England not seeking the rest of the world’s approval, we wear your hatred like a Goodell Clown shirt. Loud and proud.

Your “FUCK YOU”s are proof that we are living our lives the right way. We put that shit on a mirror, cut it into lines with a Dunkin’ Donuts card and snort them with the rolled-up receipt for Super Bowl Championship merch from the Gillette Stadium Pro Shop.

I have no doubt Deadspin and the rest of the irrelevant nobodies in the clone army amassed across the other 44 states would love New England to seek validation from them. Like Red Sox fans in 2004, who were adored across the country for the way we cried about our grampys who never got to see them win one. Sorry, but you’ve got the wrong demo for that. That attitude is long since dead. Murdered by a million Drew Margarys. Stabbed to death with talk about scandals, cheating, cameras, pressure gauges, crooked scoreboard operators, bugged locker rooms, spying, jammed helmet radios and Trump hats. And I haven’t even mentioned what a bunch of vicious racists we’re supposed to be. So no, we’re not even a subatomic particle interested in being liked. If the slapdicks at the failing Deadspin start to like us, we’ll fucking kill ourselves.

A million-plus people went out into a steady shower of freezing wet ice confetti yesterday. The descendants of generations of New Englanders who were stuck with the worst franchise in all of sports. Bankrupt owners with the worst stadium ever built (once they even had a stadium), the most incompetent management in football, coaches who quit on them and top draft picks who made the police blotter way more than they made the Pro Bowl. And they went for one another, not for the approval of anyone else. So keep hating. Keep the “FUCK YOU”s coming. But don’t for one hot second think anyone outside of here matters to us.